Receiving Jokes / Recent Jokes

Quoted a line from a Twin City-Valley Press story about the South Charleston Police Department receiving a grant to help it combat the DUI (Driving Under Influnece) problem:
"Proceeds of the grant will be used for the purpose of placing an additional officer on the roadways while under the influence."

After Receiving an Invitation to a Physicists' Ball:

Volta was electrified and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.

Ampère was worried he wasn't up on current research.

Ohm resisted the idea at first.

Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

Hertz promised that in the future he will attend with greater frequency.

Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.

Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

Born thought the probability of enjoying himself is pretty high.

Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.

Heisenberg was uncertain whether he could make it.

Schrödinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?

Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.

The first posting of a young entrant to the Indian Administrative Service was as a junior assistant to the Secretary of the Ministry.
One morning, he took some important files to discuss with his boss. After knocking on the door and receiving no reply he gently pushed open the door to find his senior standing by the window deeply engrossed in his thoughts. He tiptoed out of the room.
Since the files were marked' immediate' he went back to the Secretary's room and again receiving no reply to his knock, went in. The boss was still standing where he had been, intently looking out of the window. Junior sahib coughed lightly to make his presence known. The secretary turned round and remarked,' How can this country go forward? For the last one hour I have been watching the workmen on the road. They haven't done a stroke of work.'

"Signs You Won't Be Receiving a Christmas Bonus This Year"
As presented on the 12/11/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"
The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial
On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet"
Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out"
You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants
When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under avalanche of stolen office supplies
Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "crap" appeared 78 times
You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets

Once a cub reporter was requested to write an article for a local family news paper. The reporter decided to write about Mrs. Smith's car accident. So he wrote "Mrs. Smith met with a one car accident today and is in the hospital receiving lacerations in her breasts". The editor seeing this was furious and told the cub reporter that it was a family paper and words such as "Breasts" should not be used. The reporter was asked to redo the article. This time he wrote; "Mrs. Smith met in a one car accident, and is in hospital receiving lacerations in her (.)(.)"

An apple a day doesn't keep the doctor away; HMOs do.

But to really stay healthy, medical research has found
a daily joke can reduce hospitalizations by 10% in a year.

In the double-blind placebo controlled study, participants
were offered 1-4 jokes each morning. Participants receiving 4
jokes did twice as well as those receiving only one joke. Material was stolen
from the work of Dave Chappelle, Jay Leno, Bill Cosby, David Letterman.

The placebo group received Carlos Mencia.

ARIES WOMEN: Wildly sensual, passionate and adventurous. You'll have sex anywhere, you know what you want - intense and frequent sex, you have a need for complete control, but you're also in love with love. As a mate, you are ardent, loyal, sentimental, and earthly. Biggest thrill - the tickle of a man's facial fuzz.

ARIES MEN: Sleeping with him is like playing croquet with live bombs - you never know what is going to happen! Never expect him to wait for you to be ready - he will rip your clothes off if he is ready to go. Don't tease him or you'd better be ready to deliver. Fond of slave master games and he likes it rough. Aries men are also explorers, so be ready to go where no woman has gone before. His favourite position: a woman on her knees leaning forward.

TAURUS WOMEN: You expect your man to be kind and patient and make love to you by the book. Like to be pleased by sex, but don't look for unusual approaches. But you are a demanding lover and leave your more...