Remote Jokes / Recent Jokes

The clerk asked me, "Cash, check or charge?" after ringing up my purchase.As I fumbled through my wallet, she noticed a remote control for a television set in my purse."Do you always carry your TV remote?" she asked."No," I replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him!"

"Did you know that last month's (expletive) phone bill is over $450?" my wife scolded me in her harshest, my-husband-the-child voice. "That's more than twice the monthly payment you make for that (expletive)computer!" she continued as she escalated to screaming.
"I confess! I confess!" I sobbed. "I'm just an on-line junkie. I'm addicted to my modem! I guess I'll just have to join Modems Anonymous before I owe my soul to the phone company. "As a counselor for Modems Anonymous, I hear numerous variations of the preceding story every day. That insidious disease, modem fever, is exacting a tragically large toll from the cream of our society's computer users. Modem-mania is sweeping through the very foundations of our country and there seems to be no stopping it. This disease (yes, it is a social disease of almost epidemic proportions) is becoming a such calamity that soon there's even going to be a soap opera about on-line addiction named, more...

ok there is this guy and he is having problems going to the bathroom, so he goes to the docter and he says hey doc look can you help me out or what . so the doc puts his hand up the guys but and pulls out a remote. man no wonder why i always farted the volume on the tv went up,

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...

I have a microwave fireplace in my house. . . The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

My VCR flashes 01: 35, 01: 35, 01: 35,. . .

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though. I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone--it had no number 5 on it.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no more...

A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of theScottish Highlands looking for material for a documentary aboutthe way of life there. REPORTER: Hello there, excuse me, I'm from the BBC and I'm gathering material for a documentary about the way of life in the remote parts of the Scottish Highlands. You look like an interesting fellow, perhaps I could interview you? SCOTSMAN: Certainly... REPORTER: Well, perhaps you could start by telling me your name? SCOTSMAN: Well now there's a story. Y'know I deliver the mail round here, but do they call me Donald the Postman? No they don't. You see those fine crofts up on the hill there, well, I built more than half of them myself, but do they call me Donald the Croftbuilder? No, they don't. And did you pass the nets down in the harbour? Well, I made several of them, but do they call me Donald the Netmaker? No, they don't. But, I tell you, a moment's weakness with just ONE sheep. ...

"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."