Restaurant Jokes / Recent Jokes

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that??"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities or Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.

"That's his more...

* Gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear! * Car Lot: The best way to get on your feet…. Miss a car payment. * Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on Labor Day. * On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant: Blackened bluefish * In a Maine restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends. * On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store: Thirty-eight years on the same spot. * On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church * Outside a country shop in West Virginia: We buy junk and sell antiques.

A husband and wife were dining at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning woman comes over to their table, plants a big kiss on the husband, says she'll see him later, and walks away.
The wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!?"
"Oh, that's my mistress," replies the husband.
"That's it! I've had enough! I want a divorce!" demands the wife.
"Ok, dear," the husband replies, "but do remember, if we get divorced, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no more winters in the Caribbean, no more summers on the Riviera, no more Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours."
Just then, they notice a mutual friend enter the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Bill?" asks the wife.
"That's Bill's mistress," her husband replies.
"Oh, ours is far prettier!" the wife declares.

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations. Sign for a litter of dachshund pups: "Get a `long` little doggie!" Sign in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. In pencil beneath the sign: Socks can eat anyplace they want." Sign on a music library's door: "Bach in a minuet." Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath: With meat $12" A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: "Today's special. Below it says: So's tomorrow." Sign on restaurant window: "Great food (50, 000 flies can't be wrong)." Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." Sign in a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends." Sign in school: "In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended."

While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, the elderly woman left her glasses on the table, but she didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.
The elderly man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. He called his wife every bad name he could think of.
When they finally arrived at the restaurant, and the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her, "And while you're in there, you might as well get my hat, too..."

Sign in a bowling alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
Sign for a litter of dachshund pups: "Get a `long` little doggie!"
Sign in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. In pencil beneath the sign: Socks can eat anyplace they want."
Sign on a music library's door: "Bach in a minuet."
Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath: With meat $12"
A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: "Today's special. Below it says: So's tomorrow."
Sign on restaurant window: "Great food (50, 000 flies can't be wrong)."
Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a pool.