Retiring Jokes

A retiring boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card on his farewell party.

He could then remember how his staff "missed" him. Most staff members were writing standard phrases like, "Without you, the company will never be the same," "We will always remember you," etc.
The boss was not satisfied and asked, "I need something from the bottom of your heart... Peter, you have been working with me for the last 40 years. You are my best staff. What do you have to say?"
Slowly but firmly, Peter wrote, "The best news in 40 years."

A teacher was retiring after 30 years of teaching, so each child
decided they wanted to bring her a special retirement present. A
little girl who was the daughter of a fine chocolate dealer brought
her a box full of fine chocolates.

A little boy who was the son of a florist brought her a big bouquet
of flowers. Another little boy who was the son of a fine liquor dealer
brought her a big box that was sealed, and it had something leaking
from the bottom of the box. The teacher said, "I bet I know what this is!"

She tasted some of the juices that were leaking from the box and said,
"I bet this is some wine!"

The little boy said, "Nope!"

She tasted it again and said "Liquor?"

The little boy said, "Nope!"

She tasted it again and said, "Beer?"

The little boy said, "Nope!"

She said, "Well what is more...

According to USA Today, many American seniors are retiring to Mexico due to its improved climate and lower cost of living. Seems like a fair trade to me. America gets the young laborers and Mexico gets our tired, our poor and our huddled masses. Nice.

The worst kind of accountant to have is the shy, retiring type. His ledgers are a few million dollars shy, which is why he's retiring.

It was his last day on the job and the mailman had mixed emotions. On the one hand, he was glad to be retiring; on the other, he'd miss seeing the beautiful young married woman he'd fancied for the last few years.
As he approached the young woman's house for the last time, he was both shocked and delighted when she greeted him where nothing but a sheer, crotchless body stocking and invited him in. The mailman didn't need to be asked twice, and the lady shut the door, pulled him to the floor, and fucked his brains out all over the morning mail. After they finished, she cooked up lunch.
While he was finishing his meal, the woman went to her purse and handed him a ten-dollar bill.
"I don't understand. Why are you paying me?"
"It was my husband's idea," she replied. "When I told him you were retiring, he said, 'screw him, give him ten bucks,' The lunch," she added, "was my idea."