Roast Jokes / Recent Jokes

ONE of the busiest times for a meat-department manager in a supermarket occurs when there is a sale on particular cuts. When they put cross-rib roasts on sale one day the result was predictable.
They'd bring out a cart of roasts and before the workers could get them on display, women customers were jostling for their share. Three times they returned with a cart of roasts and three times they were gone before the workers got to the counter.
The fourth time out one worker noticed that a man who had quietly been watching began to approach the worker's cart. He elbowed his way in, pushing and shoving, and finally grasped a roast.
Before he could retreat from the crush, an irate woman glared at him and said, "Sir, how about being a gentleman!" The fellow turned and said, "Ma'am, for twenty minutes I've been a gentleman, now I'm going to be a lady!" And with that he smiled, took his roast and walked away.

Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal.
"Your wife makes a delicious roast, "The chief said.
"Thanks," his friend said. "I'm gonna miss her."

One day a dog went running into the butcher shop and grabbed a roast from the counter. Before he could get out the door, the butcher recognized him as belonging to his neighbor, the lawyer.
Furious with the theft, the butcher phoned the lawyer and asked, "If your dog happened to steal a roast from my shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"
"Definitely," replied the lawyer. "What's the cost of the roast?"
"$10.50," said the butcher.
Several days later, the butcher received an envelope containing a check for $10.50. Attached to the check was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation - $200.

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop
and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog
running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to
demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers,
"Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys
don't carry cash-it's too plebeian-and the butcher hadn't brought the
shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].
Several periods of time later-it could be the next day but that would be
unrealistic-the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the
lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

Egon Ronay, you’re not
Two Jewish students were rooming together in Manchester and they always shared the cooking of the evening meal.
One day, when Sam came home, he did not find a hot meal waiting for them, only sandwiches. So he asked Moshe, “What`s with the cheese sandwiches? You promised to cook us roast beef for tonight.”
Moshe replies, “I did! But the roast beef caught fire and it spread to the vegetables so I had to put it out with the chicken soup.”

Pundits and politicos on Sunday's talk shows were crying foul over President Hugo Chavez's speech at the U.N. Liberals said, "He can't call the President a devil, only we can do that."
Republicans called the speech more of a roast than anything diplomatic. If it were a roast, Chavez would have picked on others in the goverment.
"Enough about the devil... er, I mean Bush. You must forgive me my English is no good. How do you say, douchebag. I kidding."
"Dick Cheney is here. The only reason why Dick Cheney is against gay marriage, is because he's too cheap to pay for his daughter's wedding. But seriously, Cheney would love for his daughter to have a wedding, just as long as Haliburton can cater it. I kidding."
"John Bolton, U.N. Ambassador is here. John what is that on your upper lip, it looks like two caterpillars humping. Seriously, it looks like you're going down on the Shaggy D.A. I kidding."

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.