Savior Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Playboy magazine publisher Hugh Hefner. One of my three girlfriends has decided to stop seeing me. I saw this coming after I told her that I don't want to be married and have children. She's still here in the Playboy Mansion, but she says it's over, so I guess it's over. What do you think I should do?


Dear Hugh,

You are absolutely right. When she says it's over, it's over, and there is nothing to keep her from leaving. But there should be. Nothing keeps a relationship going like shackles. I promise: She won't ever leave you if she can't.

You need to make a grand romantic gesture to keep her from leaving you, and the best way to say “don’t leave me” is to chain her to a radiator. That's right: Imprisonment can be romantic.

Keeping her as a captive girlfriend instead of a wife guarantees that she won’t go anywhere. If she runs away from your marriage, she gets half of your money. If she tries to run more...

Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God.
The new product is to be named "Microsoft God," and will be available to consumers sometime in late 1998.
"Too many people feel separated from God in today's world," said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's new Religions division. "Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with."
The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including:
Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah.
Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible from more...

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m Lindsay Lohan. I went to rehab a few times last year, and I’ve really been trying to stay away from drinking. But I’ve kind of fallen off the wagon. I drank some champagne from a bottle at a New Year’s Eve party, and I drank Grey Goose vodka from a bottle Friday night and had some vodka cocktails at another club. And I was videotaped and seen by reporters. What should I do?


Dear Lindsay,

The quick fix is for you to start doing your drinking at home, away from judging eyes and cameras. What you lose in social surroundings, you can make up for in sheer drinking volume. It’ll pay for itself after your first blackout. As the saying goes, when a drunk passes out and no one’s around, it never happened. If you’re still not sold on drinking at home, remember this: There’s no last call at home. The floor’s the limit.

The Star Savior

And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a Son and wrapped Him in swaddling clothes and laid Him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said; "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord."
"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee, who happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property, where such symbols were not allowed to land, or even hover.
"And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too."
Joseph had a bright idea "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and the ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.
"That would more...

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s Lindsay Lohan. In an interview, I said I was looking forward to having Barack Obama as “our first colored president.” It’s getting some attention. It's clear how much I support Obama, so that little slip-up isn’t a big deal, is it?


Dear Lindsay,

I understand your excitement about having a colored president, but there’s no time to sit back and enjoy it. It’s time to start thinking about the next election, so that Obama won’t be our last colored president.

You should use your status to encourage young people to “Spook the Vote.” You could organize a rally called the “Spade Raid.” And you could count on the full support of the colored community - once they get here in their time machines.

The Star Savior

And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord."
"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover.
"And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too." Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian more...

And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord."
"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover.
"And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly.
"That's a no-no, too." Joseph had a bright idea.
"What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.
"That would more...