Scheme Jokes / Recent Jokes
To all staff
Early Retirement
Due to the current financial situation, management has decided to give all workers over 30 yrs an early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Retirement). Persons who have been RAPED & SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme For Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependant or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Early Personnel Scheme). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.
Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself for the amount of SHIT it gives it's more...
Everybody should believe in something, I believe I'll have another beer.
Everybody's gotta be someplace.
Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime.
Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
Everyone hits a brick wall now and then; the trick is not to do it with your head.
Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.
Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.
Everything in moderation, including moderation.
Everything is actually everything else, just recycled.
To: All Staff
Cc:
From: Management
RE: Early Retirement
Due to our current financial situation, management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 30 on early retirement. This scheme will be know as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Person selected to be RAPED can apply to the management to be eligible for the SHAFT (Special Help AFTer retirement). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (SCheme for Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been raped can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SCREWED any further by management.
Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided more...
A rich widower miser went back to India and married a young village girl. The girl did not like his hugging and kissing all the time. He thought of a scheme to teach his wife not to hate his American Life Style. He bought a piggy bank and told his wife that every time he kisses or hugs her, he will put a rupee coin in the piggy bank and at the end of the month she can open the bank and buy a new saree with the money. The scheme worked very well. The young wife showed more willingness to be kissed and hugged. At the end of the month he gave her the key and told his wife to open the piggy bank. What he was did not please him. There were many 5 and 20 rupee bills along with rupee coins in the box.
”Where did these come from?! ” he demanded angrily. “I’ve been putting only rupee coins! ”
"Not everyone is as kanjoos as you! ” replied the wife.