Schwarzenegger Jokes / Recent Jokes

Which Search Engine does Arnold Schwarzenegger use?
Alta Vista baby.

"I`ll Turn Stingray From Dangerous Species to Endangered Species"

The burial will involve a small church service attended mostly by workers from the local Khaki Pants factory. Then Arnold Schwarzenegger will turn his minigun on the ocean for an hour and forty five minutes

Stallone, Tony Danza, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all going to be in a musical about famous composers.
Stallone wants to be Mozart, Danza says he'll be Beethoven, and Schwarzenegger says "I'll be Bach!"

California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger fractured his right femur while skiing with his family this weekend in Idho. Onlookers noted that the crying scene that followed was some of the most laughable acting they had ever seen.

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office' oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"
So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want." The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding." The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes." The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the more...

Springtime had arrived in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow covered trails looking for cattle that had survived the winter.
As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun, preparing to shoot the snake.
"Hold on there, partner," the snake said, "don't shoot me. I happen to be an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll grant you any three wishes you want."
Knowing he was safely out of the snake's striking range, the cowboy decided to take a chance. He said, "All right, first I'd like to have a face like Clarke Gable. Then, I'd like to have a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like to have sexual equipment just like this here horse I'm riding."
"No problem," the rattlesnake said. "When you get back to the bunk house, you'll have all three wishes."
The cowboy more...