Scientist Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three Scientists were speaking to God. "Hey, God, you're not needed anymore. We can make Man ourselves.
"Oh really," God replied.
"Yes, really," said one of the Scientists. "As a matter of fact, just to prove it, why don't we have a contest to see who can make a man faster, you or us?"
"Ok," answered God, "let's do that."
The Scientist went back to his friends and explained, "We're going to have a contest with God to see who can make a man faster, Him or us."
So, the first Scientist went out and scooped up a large pile of dirt. Just then, a bolt of lightning struck the ground near him, causing him to drop the pile of dirt. Startled, he looked up at God and said, "What?!?"
"Get your own dirt!" God bellowed.

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?", and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, more...

At an international seminar where scientists were boasting about their countries' achievements, an American scientist claimed that they had invented a fighter plane which could touch the ceiling of the sky. When challenged, he admitted that it didn't actually touch it, but almost did. Then a Russian scientist claimed that they had invented a submarine which could travel on the floor of the sea. He was also challenged and he had to admit that the submarine almost travelled on the floor. The Indian scientist then claimed that they were now able to feed themselves through their nose. He was also challenged. He then said, "Well, almost."

Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant’s backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go.
A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried: they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.
One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. When the big day arrived they set up all the monitoring equipment and moved out to a safe distance.
The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer. BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!!
The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the more...

Dear Ann Landers: So you like "crazy lawsuits?" In the three years I have been writing the Random Nuts column for Graffiti magazine, I've collected some doozies and am pleased to pass some of the best along to you. Here they are:* After he threatened to sue McDonald's for $5 million, a former research scientist was arrested for extortion. The scientist claimed he ate part of a fried rat tail he found in a bag of Happy Meal french fries, but a grand jury said the tail came from one of his own laboratory rats.* A convict wants $1,000 because the state of New York made him eat "vegetable diet loaf" as a punishment for violating prison rules.* Another prisoner is suing because he says secondhand smoke from other inmates is ruining his health, though he smokes himself.* The all-time Random Nuts champ has to be a convicted Brooklyn burglar who is suing the state for $989 billion because prison guards beat up his jacket, which he wasn't wearing at the time.* In Boston, more...

Once there was a room with one scientist and one blonde. The scientist was very playful and loved to play games. The blonde was very serious and hated life and was very serious. She also hated games. The scientist wanted to play a game. "
Do you want to play a game?"
the scientist asked the blonde. "
Okay. I guess,"
the blonde said in a bored voice. "
Here are the rules,"
said the scientist,"
I will ask you a question. If you answer it correctly, I will give you $
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999."
That made the blonde want to play. The scientist said,"
Here is your question.What is the hypothosis of a pickle?"
The blonde didn't know only one word of it. She asked what the word meant. "
What does the word a mean?"
she asked.

Two guys are sitting in a quiet, rundown bar, when a man, dressed very sharply in a dark suit and carrying a briefcase, walks in. The two guys are surprised to see such a man in their local bar.
"He looks like a lawyer to me," the first guy says.
"No, I'd say an accountant," his friend replies.
After bickering back and forth, the first man decides to go over to the sharply dressed stranger to settle the debate.
"Pardon me," he says, "but my friend and I were having a disagreement over there and were wondering if you could help. Tell me, are you a lawyer or an accountant?"
"I'm neither a lawyer nor an accountant," replies the stranger. "I'm actually a reasonable scientist."
"What the hell is a reasonable scientist?" cries the man.
"Well, allow me to give you a demonstration. Do you have any goldfish?" asks the stranger.
The man nods.
"Well then, if you have goldfish more...