Secretary Jokes / Recent Jokes

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York.
The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him.
The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.
"I'll only marry you under three conditions." she said.
"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.
"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."
Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"
The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.
"Second, I want more...

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One
afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place
where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were
finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his
shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked,
thinking him pretty weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the
door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie.
My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the
afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can
see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf
again, haven't you?"

Confucius say: Secretary not permanent office fixture until screwed upon desk.

One man explaining to another why he fired his secretary:
"Two weeks ago," I said, ''was my forty-fifth birthday and I wasn't feeling too
hot that morning anyway. I went into the kitchen for breakfast knowing that my
wife would be pleasant and say 'Happy Birthday' and probably have a present for
me. She didn't even say 'Good Morning' let alone say 'Happy Birthday'.
''I said to myself 'Well that's wives for you. The children will remember.'
But the children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. And when I started
to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
''As I walked into my office, Janet said 'Good Morning, Boss-Happy Birthday'
and I felt a little bit better that someone had remembered.
''I worked until noon. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, 'You know
it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, so let's go to
lunch, just you and I.' I said, 'By George, that is the greatest thing more...

A guy walked into his friend's office. He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed."Hey, what's up with you?", he asked."Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me.""Well, nothing wrong in that," he said, "Is she blonde or brunette?""Neither. He's bald."

A proper man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied; 2) that there was plenty of heat; 3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl more...

The Bachelor DietMondayBreakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallowsome toothpaste while brushing your teethLunch - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers"- those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime butnow cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, abowl of chilli, a soft drink and have her stop on theway back for a family size bottle of maalox. Afternoon Snack - Drink the maaloxDinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chickenthree-piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw. TuesdayBreakfast - Eat the coleslawLunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninetyfive cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eatwhatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea. Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's. WednesdayBreakfast - Jaws couldn't eat Breakfast after a night atEl Flasho'sLunch - Rolaids and a cokeDinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg forscrapsThursdayBreakfast - Order out for pizzaLunch - Your more...