Sensors Jokes

Nov 28, 2005
Moved in to my new Hermosa Beach house at last. Finally, we live in the
smartest house in the neighborhood. Everything's networked. The
cable TV is connected to our phone, which is connected to my
personal computer, which is connected to the power lines, all the
appliances and the security system. Everything runs
off a univeral remote with the friendliest interface I've ever
used. Programming is a snap. I'm like, totally wired.
Nov 30
Hot Stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the
thermostat and switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely
tweaked the oven a few degress for my pizza. Everthing nice & cozy
when I arrived. Maybe I should get the universal remote surgically attached.
Dec 3
Yesterday, the kitchen CRASHED. Freak event. As I opened the
refrigerator door, the light bulb blew. Immediately, everything
else electrical shut down - lights, microwave, coffee maker -
everything. more...

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat." And she'd demonstrate"The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have peed down my leg. And we'd go home. That was a long time ago. I've had lots of experience with public toilets since then, but I'm still not particularly fond of public toilets, especially those with powerful, red-eye sensors. Those toilets know when you want them to flush. They are psychic toilets. But I always confuse their psychic ability by following my mother's advice and assuming The Stance. The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full. more...

Roosevelt and Deelya were astonished when Noah selected them to be the ants to represent their species in the ark. After all, they were considered inferior by the other ants in the anthill because of their large odor sensors. In humility they bowed before Noah and said "We is honored to join you in this here boat" although they weren't really sure what a boat was. In fact, just that same day they had heard a couple of termites joking about "Noah's Folly", saying the wood wasn't any good for chewing.
Roosevelt and Deelya were glad they were small, because Noah was really packing the animals in, and things were getting crowded. Just when it seemed there was absolutely no room for anything else, water began to fall from the sky and Noah shut the doors. Soon the ark began to rock, and it floated off into the growing storm, with all hands (several thousand, including itty-bitty flea feet) accounted for.
It was the middle of the night when the ark struck the side more...