Sermon Jokes / Recent Jokes

One Sunday morning, a man attended the service at the local church. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that he stopped to shake his hand. "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I have ever heard," the man said.
"Thank you, sir, " the Reverend replied, "but I must ask that you not use profanity in the Lord's house."
"Sorry, Reverend, I just can't help myself," said the man. "That was just such a damn good sermon."
"Sir, please," replied the Reverend. "As I've said, I would appreciate if you would not use profanity in church."
"Okay, Reverend," the man said. "I just want you to know that I thought it was so damn good that I put $5000 in the collection plate."
"No shit!!!" exclaimed the wide-eyed Reverend.

A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."
The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach 'Thou shall not steal,' that changed your heart?"
The man responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."

At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister.
As one of them left, he shook the minister's hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, "Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein."
Beaming with pride, the minister said, "Why, thank you, brother!"
As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man's compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday.
The next Sunday he asked the parishioner if he remembered the previous Sunday's comment about the sermon.
The parishioner replied that he did.
The minister asked, "Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?"
The man replied, "Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But more...

Actual bloopers found on church bulletin boards:
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Taylors. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer more...

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression, he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."And finally, he cried, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.After a few moments, the song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."

Just before Rosh Hashana, a team of terrorists invades the shul and takes
the rabbi, the cantor and the shul president hostage. Hours later, the
governor stands tough, he won't give them a million dollars, nor a getaway
car nor a Jumbo Jet.
The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner and inform them that
things look bad and they're going to have to shoot them. Nevertheless, to
show that they're not really a bad bunch, they'll grant each hostage one
wish.
"Please," says the rabbi, "for the last two months I've been working on my
Rosh Hashana Sermon. What a waste to die now without having carried it
before an audience. I'll go happilly if you let me recite my sermon. It's
an hour - ninety minutes long, tops."
They promise to grant him the wish.
"Please," says the cantor, "after 50 years I've finally gotten the
'Hinneni' prayer just right. What a waste to die and not sing it to more...

A preacher from the deep south was finishing a temperance sermon. "If I had all the beer in the world," he said with expression, "I would take it and pour it into the river."
"And if I had all the wine in the world," he continued, with even greater emphasis, "I would take it and pour it into the river."
And finally, he cried, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I would take it and pour it into the river."
Having completed the sermon, he sat down.
At that point, the song leader rose and, with a sheepish grin, cautiously announced, "For our closing, let us sing Hymn #279, 'Shall We Gather At The River'."