Skydiving Jokes

The story about the pilot ground school got me thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would take time to answer any of our stupid First Timer Questions.
One guy asked: "If our parachute doesn't open... and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have till we hit the ground?"
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life."

Oscar was an unlucky sap. Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving class, he dove out of the airplane and pulled the ripcord. The chute emerged, tangled, and he cut it free. He then pulled the cord on the reserve chute, and it also was tangled. He prayed to his God and looked down to the ground below. To his amazement, a woman was coming up with equal velocity. "Hey, you know anything about parachutes?" he shoutedto her, as they passed by. The reply: "No... you know anything about Coleman stoves?"

A man goes skydiving for the first time. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. He pulls the rip cord, nothing happens. He tries again, nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute--nothing.

Suddenly, he looks down and he sees another man in the air with him, but this guy is going up! The skydiver yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"
The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens.He tries again. Still nothing.He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going UP! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver - by this time scared out of his wits - yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor forwhat seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pullsthat cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to noavail. Suddenly, he looks down and he cant believe his eyes. Another man is in the airwith him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by, theskydiver - by this time scared out of his wits - yells, "Hey, do you knowanything about skydiving?"The other guy yells back, "Fuck no! Do you know anything about lighting gasstoves?"