Sleeping Jokes / Recent Jokes

An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep.""I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.""Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!""I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!""That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

Age 8:
Looks at herself and sees Cinderella / Sleeping Beauty etc.
Age 15:
Looks at herself and sees Cinderella / Sleeping Beauty / Cheerleader or if she is PMS'ing: sees Fat / Pimples / UGLY ("Mom, I can't go to school looking like this!")
Age 20:
Looks at herself and sees "too fat / too thin, too short/ too tall, too straight / too curly" - but decides she's going anyway.
Age 30:
Looks at herself and sees "too fat / too thin, too short / too tall, too straight / too curly" - but decides she doesn't have time to fix it so she's going anyway.
Age 40:
Looks at herself and sees "too fat / too thin, too short / too tall, too straight / too curly" - but says, "At least, I'm clean," and goes anyway.
Age 50:
Looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes where ever she wants to.
Age 60:
Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror more...

If you get caught sleeping on the job, here's some quick excuses! It's okay... I'm still billing the client." They told me at the blood bank this might happen." This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time-management course you sent me to. I was working smarter, not harder." Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper""I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people! I was testing the keyboard for drool resistanceI'm in the management training programActually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend. This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamt about work!"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?" Damn! Why did more...

A Hindu, a Rabbi and a lawyer were out driving in the country late one night when their car broke down. Setting out on foot to find help, they came upon a farmhouse and explained their problem to the farmer. The farmer said they could spend the night but, since he only had two beds, one of them would have to sleep in the barn.
The Rabbi agreed to sleep in the barn and allow the other two to have the beds. Minutes after the Rabbi left for the barn, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi burst into the bedroom and exclaimed, "I cannot sleep in the barn. There's a pig in there! It is against my religious beliefs to sleep in the same room as a pig."
The Hindu agreed that he would sleep in the barn, since he had no religious problems with pigs. A few minutes later, the Hindu came bursting into the bedroom and said, "I cannot sleep in the barn. There is a cow in there! Sleeping in the same room as a cow is against my religious beliefs."
The lawyer, more...

Isiah Thomas was rushed to the hospital after overdosing on sleeping pills. Which is the best way to watch a Knicks game.

10) ''They told me at the blood bank this might happen.''
9) ''This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.''
8) ''Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably go here just in time!''
7) ''I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.''
6) ''I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.''
5) ''I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relive work-related stess. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?''
4) ''Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.''
3) ''The coffee machine is broken...''
2) ''Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot...''
1) ''... in Jesus' name, Amen.''

A WOMEN'S PERSPECTIVE
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have more...