Sleeping Jokes / Recent Jokes

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed.
Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag." Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold."
He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her. Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.
Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooocold." This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out herein the wilderness where no one will ever more...

Totally exhausted, the man dragged himself into the doctor's office. "Doc, I haven't been able to get a wink of sleep. There are dogs all over the neighborhood and they bark day and night."
Checking through his cabinets, the doctor took out some samples and handed them to the man. "These are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. Try a few of these and I think you'll find your troubles are over."
"Wonderful, thank you doctor. At this point, I'll try anything," the man replied.
Returning to the doctor a few weeks later, the man looked worse than ever. "Your plan didn't work. I'm more tired than ever," he told the doctor.
"How could that be?" the doctor asked. "Those are the strongest pills on the market."
"They may very well be," said the exhausted man, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I do finally catch one, I can't get him to swallow the pill."

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor." Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying tofind it."

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 AM, I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.

After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, my 4 year old son saw me, and came running shouting "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said loudly, "What more...

From Matt Groening's "Big Book Of Hell", here are: 'Lies My Older Brother And Sister Told Me'...
The Sleeping Alligator Story Older Bro/Sis: See this? He isn't stuffed, ya know. He's sleeping. You: Really? Bro/Sis: If you don't believe me, why don't you put your finger in his mouth?
The Boy-Trap Warning Bro/Sis: Inside my closet, there's a little door, and behind that little door, there's a boogey-man, and he's set traps in there, little boy traps. You: Really? Bro/Sis: And they're baited with CUSTARD. You: Uh-oh.
The Alphabet Trick Bro/Sis: You can come up in the tree fort if you can recite the whole alphabet. You: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y and Z. Bro/Sis: Wrong. Scram.
The Yes-And-No Mind Puzzler Bro/Sis: Yes means no and no means yes. Do you want me to hit you? You: Yes! No! Yes! No! Help!
The Lure Of New Toys Bro/Sis: There's some new toys for you down in the basement. You should go down there. You: But last time you shut the more...

From Matt Groening's "Big Book Of Hell", here are: 'Lies My Older Brother And Sister Told Me'...The Sleeping Alligator Story Older Bro/Sis: See this? He isn't stuffed, ya know. He's sleeping. You: Really? Bro/Sis: If you don't believe me, why don't you put your finger in his mouth? The Boy-Trap Warning Bro/Sis: Inside my closet, there's a little door, and behind that little door, there's a boogey-man, and he's set traps in there, little boy traps. You: Really? Bro/Sis: And they're baited with CUSTARD. You: Uh-oh.The Alphabet Trick Bro/Sis: You can come up in the tree fort if you can recite the whole alphabet. You: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y and Z. Bro/Sis: Wrong. Scram.The Yes-And-No Mind Puzzler Bro/Sis: Yes means no and no means yes. Do you want me to hit you? You: Yes! No! Yes! No! Help! The Lure Of New Toys Bro/Sis: There's some new toys for you down in the basement. You should go down there. You: But last time you shut the door and turned off the more...

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church? ” Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, “Because people are sleeping! ”