Sleeping Jokes / Recent Jokes

After being married 25 years, one day I took a look at my wife and said, "Honey, do you realize 25 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old Woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

Now my wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....

I shut up and took out the trash.

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem--my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" more...

If you get caught sleeping on the job, here's some quick excuses! It's okay...I'm still billing the client."They told me at the blood bank this might happen."This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time-management course you sent me to.I was working smarter, not harder."Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper""I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people ! I was testing the keyboard for drool resistanceI'm in the management training programActually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamt about work!"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"Damn! Why did you more...

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper. "
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !"
"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
"Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.
"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"The coffee machine is broke...."
"Someone must've more...

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.
There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, “Sister, you sleep on the bed. I’ll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag. ”
Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said “Father, I’m cold. ” He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket, and put it on her.
Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, “Father, I’m still very cold. ” He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.
Just as his eyes closed, she said, “Father, I’m sooooo cold. ” This time, he remained there and said, “Sister, I have an idea. We’re out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know more...

They told me at the blood bank that this might happen. This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to. I was working smarter - not harder. Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm! This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people! I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance. I'm in the management training program. I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP). I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work! I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga? No! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem. The coffee machine is broken... Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot. Boy, that more...

10. Get up early on Christmas morning, dress up as Father Christmas, and lie on the middle of their bedroom floor in a pool of fake blood.

9. Get the plastic thing from the middle of a Kinder Egg, and put it in your mouth and spit it out at them really hard.

8. Tell them that Hitler lives in their bedroom light, and that if they turn the light on, he'll come out and get them.

7. And then turn the light on.

6. Show them a home video of their parents screaming, and tell the child that "Mummy and Daddy are trapped in the television forever".

5. Give them a pomegranate to eat, and halfway through the eating, explain that it's really a dog's heart.

4. Stuff a sleeping bag with loads of pillows and sheets so that it looks as if a person is in there. Say, "Sssh! Mummy is sleeping". And then start jumping up and down on the sleeping bag, making evil grunting sounds.

3. While eating roast chicken, more...