Smoking Jokes / Recent Jokes

I've tried all different tactics to quit smoking. I used to smoke about 2 packs a day. I would smoke when I first I got up..before breakfast...on the john...after meals...after sex... I always smoked when I was out drinking because the two went hand in hand. First I tried drinking without smoking...quit cold turkey..lasted for about 1 day. Next I tried smoking without drinking...quit Wild Turkey...lasted about 1 day too. Now I'm trying to only smoke when I drink which isn't working too well either to be honest. I'm doing shots first thing in the morning..before breakfast...on the john...after meals...after sex...

Two girls were discussing their heavy smoking habits. "I get such a yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck hard." "That's fine for you," huffed her friend, "but I don't happen to live in a house that's right on the beach!"

My Uncle finally quit smoking. It was a beautiful service.

Health authorities hunting the source of a nationwide E. coli outbreak are focusing on nine California farms after discovering what could be a crucial clue: an open bag of spinach left in the refrigerator of someone sickened by the bacteria. The bag of tainted Dole baby spinach is the "smoking gun," said a California health official.

--- And we didn't even need to torture anyone to find it.

On a flight on takeoff from Las Vegas: "Everyone look out the right windows and wave goodbye to your money one last time."

"There's a man up front today celebrating his 95th birthday. So, as you're leaving, please stop and say' Happy Birthday' to the captain."

"Welcome aboard today's flight to Phoenix. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught more...

All about smoking: Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people. One poll says 73% of Americans favor raising the cigarette tax. It's only fair. Since smokers aren't around as long as the rest of us, they should pay more while they're here. I quit smoking once for six days. And then they untied me. Trying to quit smoking can drive you nuts -- especially when you try to light your nicotine gum. Marlboro has a line of outdoor gear for smokers. They recommend you buy it a size larger so paramedics don’t have to cut it off of you. The Marlboro clothing is very functional. The denim jacket has electric heart paddles sewn right into the lining, and there’s a backpack that can hold a portable respirator. I stopped smoking and extended my life expectancy. My wife is furious.

Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said,
'It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.'
The second nun said, 'I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.'
The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.
'You get them at a chemist, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.'
The next day the good sister went to the chemist and walked up to the counter.
'Good morning, sister,' the chemist said, 'what can I do for you today?'
'I'd like some condoms please,' said the nun.
The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked,
'How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.'
'I'll take six more...