Soap Jokes / Recent Jokes

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as
possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's' just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive more...

ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat more...

when using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for a full minute and turn off the faucets with your elbows.
your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient's bedside and tell a doctor to clean it up.
men assume you must be great in bed because of the 9 billion porn movies about nurses.
everyone, including complete strangers, tells you about each and every ache and pain they have.
you want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see a nurse on a soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and flirting with doctors.
you can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.
you can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even spagetti with lots of tomato sauce.
you use a plastic 30cc medicine cup for a shotglass.

On a hairdryer:
'Do not use while sleeping.'
On a bag of chips:
'You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.'
On a bar of soap:
'Directions: use like regular soap.'
On some frozen dinners:
'Serving suggestion: defrost.'
On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
'Fits one head.'
On packaged Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
'Do not turn upside down.'
On packaged Bread Pudding:
'Product will be hot after heating.'
On packaging for an iron:
'Do not iron clothes on body.'
On children's cough medicine:
'Do not drive car or operate machinery.'
On sleep aid:
'Warning: may cause drowsiness.'
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
'For indoor or outdoor use only.'
On peanuts:
'Warning: contains nuts.'
On a packet of nuts:
'Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.'
On a Swedish chainsaw:
'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.'
On more...

These are actual instruction labels on
consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's' just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the more...

Want proof humans are doomed by their stupidity? Well, here's some actual label instructions found on various consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On Swan frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (Hey, it's Only a suggestion...)
On a Tesco dessert (printed on bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (an open invitation to shoplifters...)
On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for an Iron (Rowenta): Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boots Children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
On Nytol sleep aid: 'Warning: May cause drowsiness.'
On Sainsbury peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat more...

One morning two priests head to the showers. It isn't until they were already in the shower, that they realized they did not bring any soap. Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap.
Rather than get dressed, he peeks out into the hallway, and since no one is around, he decides to make a run for it. He gets the two bars of soap and checks the hall before heading back to the showers. All was clear, so he makes a break for it. Just as he turns the corner to the showers, he spots three nuns walking towards him. With nowhere to go, and hoping that the nuns will think he is a statue, he stands perfectly still, holding the two bars of soap.
The nuns approach and the first nun says, "Oh my, look at that! Isn't that the most lifelike statue you've ever seen?"
She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs on the priest's weenie. Startled, he drops the first bar of soap.
"Oh Heavens," she exclaims, "I got a bar of more...