South Jokes / Recent Jokes

/* OK, we won't have a Punny week again in a long time... :-) */
It was a warn Southern California evening when the jury reached a verdict in the O. J. Simpson case. The nation was anxiously awaiting the jury's verdict and newsmen were rapidly arriving on the rumors that the decision would finally be announced. At that moment, Judge Ito was in his backyard Bar-B-Qing filet mignon for the family's evening dinner. The bailiff phoned the Ito residence and when Mrs. Ito answered, requested that the Judge be notified and suggested that the judge should return to the court house as soon as possible. Mrs. Ito refused the bailiff's request because, she insisted, "HIS HONOR WAS AT STEAK."
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?
"That it is," more...

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. The moral of the story: 1. Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy. 2. Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend. 3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut.

A mystery surrounding the whereabouts of South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford was apparently solved late Monday when a Sanford spokesman said he was hiking along the Appalachian Trail. The spokesman said the governor was upset and just wanted to be alone after learning that Jon and Kate were getting a divorce.

1. Her mother looks down at you because you didn't study in IIT or Madras / Anna University. 2. Her father starts or ends every conversation with ". .. I say..." 3. She shudders if you use four letter words. 4. She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided (The Dubai based Oil Well Company will negotiate with her on a 25 year contract to extract coconut oil from her hair.) 5. She uses the word' Super' as her only superlative. 6. Her name is another name for a Goddess or a flower. 7. Her first name is longer than your first name, middle name and surname combined (unless you are from Andhra) 8. When she mixes milk/curd and rice you are never sure whether it is for the dog or for herself. 9. For weddings, she sports a mini jasmine garden on her head and wears silk saris in the Madras heat without looking too uncomfortable while you are melting in your singlet. 10. Her favourite cricketer is Krishnamachari Srikkanth. 11. Her favourite food is dosa though she has tried North Indian more...

The Chocolate Ritual (You need to know a bit about wicca for this to be a knee slapper.. . )

Materials required: On the altar are brown candles, a Tootsie Roll (the big one), a large glass with milk in it (the chalice), a small dish of Nestle's Quik and a spoon, a small dish of chocolate sprinkles, a plate of cupcakes, and some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet. The athame is represented by a cake knife reserved only for cutting Devil's Food Cake, and the pentacle is represented by a chocolate star.

CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE:
(take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles)

Chocolate sprinkles where thou art
Cast no calories in thy presence last.
Let no fat adhere to me
And as I will so mote it be!

Nestle's Quik where thou art cast
Turn this milk to chocolate fast.
Let all good things come to me,
and make my milk all chocolatey!

CAST THE CIRCLE
(using the Tootsie roll)

CALL THE more...

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.
A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
The moral of the story:
1. Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend.
3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut.

In South Bend, Indiana, it is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March. A person who dyes, stains, or otherwise alters the natural coloring of a bird or rabbit commits a Class B misdemeanor. (Ind. Code 15-2.1-21-13(b) A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17. It is against the law to pass a horse on the street. It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks. Liquor stores may not sell milk. Grocery stores may not sell any type of cold liquor. You can get out of paying for a dependent's medical care by praying for him/her. One man may not back into a parking spot because it prevents police officers from seeing the license plate. Smoking in the state legislature building is banned, except when the legislature is in session. Check forgery can be punished with public flogging up to 100 stripes. Pedestrians more...