South Jokes / Recent Jokes
It seems a man in Balham, South London decided to write a book about churches, mosques and synagogues around the country. He started by driving to Scotland and started working south from there.
He went to a very large church and began taking pictures. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign that reads;
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.
However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us…
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: “These toys more...
Here are two gems that were sent to me by a friend:
You know you're a South Floridian if you see the Parisian riots on T.V. and think, "We could do better than that"
You know that you've become a South Floridian if you go back home to New York and think, "Gee, these people are friendly!"
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.
A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
The moral of the story:
1. Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend.
3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut.
Degrees (Fahrenheit)
* 65 degrees:
Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
* 60 degrees:
Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
* 50 degrees:
Miami residents turn on the heat
* 45 degrees:
Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
* 40 degrees:
You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming
* 35 degrees:
Italian cars don't start
* 32 degrees:
Water freezes
* 30 degrees:
You plan your vacation to Australia
* 25 degrees:
Ohio water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
* 20 degrees:
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South
* 15 degrees:
French cars don't start
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
* 10 degrees:
You need jumper cables to get the car going
* 5 degrees:
American cars more...
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya know, since summer started Ive been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. Ive tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothingseems to scare them away. Another said, "Yea, me too. Ive got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. Ive even had the place fumigated, and they wont go away." The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Havent seen one back since!"