Squeeze Jokes / Recent Jokes

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders ahamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!"The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!"Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it inhis bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and tosses it on the grill. The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've everseen!"The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in themorning when he makes the doughnuts!"and orders ahamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!"The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!"Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it inhis bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and tosses it on the grill. The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've everseen!"The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in themorning when he makes the doughnuts!"

In the Beatles classic "When I'm Sixty-Four," Paul McCartney predicted how his life might be at the age of 64. Now, Sir Paul IS 64, and he's having some marital woes. His impending divorce might cost him a huge chunk of his fortune.

Perhaps the song should be re-recorded. Sing along if you'd like:

When I am older and marry too young,
To a woman wrong for me,
Didn't get a pre-nup to save my ass,
One-legged gal gonna take half my cash.
The tabloids say I made a mistake,
That I married a whore,
Will you still squeeze me, will you still fleece me, when I'm 64?

You'll take the castle, the boat and the plane,
Even my Steinway,
But I'm not worried-I can get some quick dough,
Make a new album, get 5 mil for each show!
I am a legend, the press loves and reveres,
You a media bore,
Will you still squeeze me, will you still fleece me, when I'm 64?

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

'Honey,' she signs,' Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.'

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife,' Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.'

'If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis..........fifty times'