Statistics Jokes / Recent Jokes

- Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
- 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
- Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
- 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
- 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
- 91% lie regularly, so you can just throw away statistics like these based on their answers *grin*
- 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
- 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.
- 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
- 90% believe in divine retribution (but apparently not for lying)
- 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
- 82% believe in an afterlife.
- 45% believe in ghosts.
- 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
- 29% are virgins when they marry.
- 58.4% have called into work sick when we more...

Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.

Statistically speaking, in China, even if you are a one in a million kind of guy, there are a thousand more just like you.

Did you know that 87. 166253% of all statistics claim a precision of results that is not justified by the method employed?

One out of every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Check three friends. If they're OK, then it's you.

It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest.

Here are the results of our drug testing study on rabbits: 1/3 of the sample died; 1/3 of the sample survived; the other one ran away.

With one foot in a bucket of ice water, and one foot in a bucket of boiling water, you are, on the average, comfortable.

Statistics Canada is hiring mathematicians. Three recent graduates are invited for an interview: one has a degree in pure mathematics, another one in applied math, and the third one obtained his B. Sc. in statistics.

All three are asked the same question: "What is one third plus two thirds?"

The pure mathematician: "It's one."

The applied mathematician takes out his pocket calculator, punches in the numbers, and replies: "It's 0. 999999999."

The statistician: "What do you want it to be?"

66. A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indialns have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

There was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before coming to any junction, whizz straight over it, then slow down again once he'd got over it. One day, he took a passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he went so fast over junctions. The statistics student replied, "Well, statistically speaking, you are far more likely to have an accident at a junction, so I just make sure that I spend less time there."

"Statistics shows that most people are abnormal!"
"How that?"
"According to statistics, a normal person has one breast and one testicle..."