Stove Jokes / Recent Jokes
We've heard the Redneck and Cajun versions - nor for Norwegian, yah?01. BYTE: how Lena stops Ole's advances.02. LOG ON: dats how ya make da vood stove hotter.03. LOG OFF: vhat Sven vas trying to do vhen he burnt his hands terrible.04. MONITOR: keep an eye on da vood stove.05. MEGAHERTZ: ven a big log drops on your foot.06. COMPACT DISK: vhat ya get from lifting logs dat's too heavy.07. FLOPPY DISK: vhat da lefse looks like vhen it's cooked yust right.08. RAM: da hydraulic ting dat makes da voodsplitter vork.09. DRIVE: how you get home ven da snow's not too deep.10. HARD DRIVE: dat's vhen you're going to Madison vhen da snow's deep.11. PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season.12. ENTER: vhen ya come on in!13. WINDOWS: vhat ya shut vhen it gets 10 below out.14. SCREEN: vaht ya gotta have in blackfly season.15. CHIP: vhat ya munch on during da Packer's game.16. MICROCHIP: vhat's left in da bottom of da bag vhen da big ones are gone.17. MODEM: vhat ve did to da hayfields more...
In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks
1. [xxx] is not food.
Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human’s homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom’s toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat’s vomited food.
2. I will not jump on the [xxx].
kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human’s full bladder at 5: 30 A. M., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night.
3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].
sofa, carpet, drapes, my human’s leg, my human’s boss’s leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires.
4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].
floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human’s more...
Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994
1. Introduction
The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.
2. Food
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.
a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...
Somewhere around 60 years ago, according to Zeddie Gillenwater of Sumerco, a woman sold her tobacco crop and, with a stack of bills in her hand, headed off to the store to buy a good, wood-burning stove.
"We have several different makes and sizes," the clerk said. "About what BTU did you have in mind?"
"B-T-U?"
"Yes, ma'am. That's a unit of measure, a way to measure heat."
"Well, I don't know nothin' about B-T-U. All I want is a stove big enough to heat a B-U-T as big as a T-U-B."
A man walks into a hardware store and approaches the sales clerk.
"Do you carry jointed stove-pipes?" the man asks.
The clerk confirms that they do, and the man responds, "Great -- I would like to purchase half of one."
A bit confused and not sure if he heard correctly, the clerk asks the man to repeat his request.
"I would like to purchase half of a jointed stove pipe!"
At this point the clerk is convinced that the man is not very bright, since one half of a jointed stove-pipe is absolutely useless without the other half. Not wanting to offend the man, the clerk says, "I'll have to go talk to my manager about that. I'll be right back."
The clerk rushes to the back, not realizing that the man follows right behind him. The clerk reaches his manager and blurts out, "Some IDIOT up there wants to buy a HALF of a jointed stove pipe!"
At this point, the clerk turns more...
Log On: Making a wood stove hot
Log Off: Too much wood on a fire
Monitor: Keep'n an eye on the wood stove
Download: Gitten the farwood off'n the truck
Megahertz: When yer not keerfull gitten the farwood
Floppy disc: Whatcha git from tryin to tote too much farwood
Ram: That thar thang what splits the farwood
Hard Drive: Gitten home in the winter time
Windows: Whut to shut when its cold outside
Screen: Whut to shut when its black fly season
Byte: Whut dem dang flys do
Chip: Munchies fer the TV
Micro Chip: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
Modem: Whatcha do to the hay fields
Dot Matrix: Ole Dan Matrix's wife
Lap Top: Whar the kitty sleeps
Keyboard: Whar you hang the dang truck keys
Software: Dem dang plastic forks and knifes
Mouse: What eats the grain in the barn
Mousepad: That's hippie talk fer where the mouse lives
Mainframe: Holds up the barn roof
Port: Fancy flatlander wine
Enter: Northerner more...
Log On:
Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off:
Don't add no wood.
Monitor:
Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download:
Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz:
When yer not careful down loadin'.
Floppy Disk:
Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram:
The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive:
Getting' home in the winter season.
Prompt:
What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows:
What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen:
What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte:
That's what the flies do.
Chip:
What to munch on.
Micro Chip:
What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared:
Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem:
What 'cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix:
Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top:
Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard:
Where ya hang your keys.
Software:
Them plastic eatin' more...