Stress Jokes / Recent Jokes

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

After working in the computer business for 25 years, Jack decides he's finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont, as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Other than that, it's total peace and quiet.
After several months of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when there's a knock on his door. He opens it and standing before him is a big, bearded Vermonter.
"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."
"Great," Jack says, "After six months of this, I'm ready to meet some of the local folks. Thanks."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you, there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"No problem," Jack replies. "After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. more...

One day at the office, Joe was sitting at his desk working. His co-worker Frank walks in and notices that Joe is not feeling well.
"What's wrong Joe", asks Frank.
"I'm all stressed out, my head is killing me."
"You want to know what I do when I need relief from stress?", suggests Frank. "I go home, tell my wife to lie on the bed, then I rest my head on her chest. Give it try, it works great!"
Joe then takes a break. An hour later he returns to work totally refreshed with a smile on his face.
"You look alot better, did you try what I told you?", asked Frank.
"I sure did, thanks!", responded Joe. "By the way, you have a nice apartment."

A guy goes to his doctor and says "Doc, ya gotta help me. My dick is turning orange!"
Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can have a look. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange! Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life. How are things going at work?"
The guy responds that he was fired 6 weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy says "No, the boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hrs of overtime every week, and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting twice my old pay, and the boss is real cool."
So the doc thinks a little longer and says "Well, do you have any hobbies or a social life?" Guy says, "No, most nights I just sit at home watching porno flicks and eating Cheetos."

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk
9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk 15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to." 13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper" 12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" 11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" 10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance" 9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress." 7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 6. "The coffee machine is broken...." 5. "Someone must've put decaf in the more...

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the more...