Stutter Jokes

Two friends meet after not having seen each other for many many years. The first guy asks, "How have things been going?"
The second guy speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y tells his friend, "I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d...
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."
His friend answers, " Y..e..s I w..e..n..t t..o.. a d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I.. s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."
The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he "was almost married".
"W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t.. w..h..e..n w..e.. a..r..e.. m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d more...

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went' Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say' fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!"

A guy walks into his doctor`s office and says, "Ddddoc, I`ve bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III`m tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???"
The doc says, "Well, I`ll have to examine you first before I can answer you."
The doc examines him and says, "Well, I`m pretty sure that I know what the problem is."
The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"
The doc says,"It`s your penis. It`s about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."
The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?"
The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."
The guy says, "Dddo it!"
The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor`s office and says, "Thanks Doc. You`ve solved my problem and I don`t stutter any more but I`ve more...

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My little kitty went' Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!"

BECOME A BETTER LIAR
IT'S EASY!
Just follow these 12 steps.
First of all, minimize your lies. If you lie all the time, people will never believe you.
Try to cry while you're lying. Everyone believes someone who's crying.
Always swear to god (not God with a capital "G"... you'll be punished severely!) Little "g" god can mean Zeus or Poseidon or Money.
Emphasize each word (e.g. I... SWEAR... TO... gOD!!!)
Break something (a dish or a vase) if you detect that the listener is even remotely doubting you.
Always say: "Ask so-and-so. They'll back me up on this". Be sure to name your best friend, though. Best friends always side with you whether you're lying or not.
Plan out your lie ahead of time. Never ad lib, you'll stutter.
Never stutter!
Never stay in the same city for more than a few months. People catch on to your line of crap in 2 to 3 months on the average.
Don't take chances on lies that can be easily more...