Subway Jokes / Recent Jokes

A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader.
"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

A Yankee fan, a Met fan, and Pamela Anderson are sitting together on the subway when the lights go out and the car goes completely dark. There's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud slap.
When the subway car's lights come back on, Pamela Anderson and the Met fan are sitting as if nothing happened, and the Yankee fan is holding his slapped face.
The Yankee fan is thinking, "That Met fan must have kissed Pamela and she swung at him and missed, slapping me instead."
Pamela is thinking, "That Yankee fan must have tried to kiss me, accidentally kissed the Met fan, and got slapped for it."
And the Met fan is thinking, "This is great. The next time the subway car's lights go out, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that @!#%!! Yankee fan again."

You Know You're From New York City When...
1.) You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
2.) You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3.) You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4.) Hookers and the homeless are invisible.
5.) The subway makes sense.
6.) You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
7.) You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".
8.) The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
9.) You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.
10.) You consider Westchester "upstate".
11.) You think Central Park is "nature."
12.) You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking.
13.) You're paying more...

Signs You're from New York

You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.

You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.

You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3: 30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

The homeless are invisible.

The subway makes sense.

The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.

You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

You think $7. 00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.

You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".

Your door has more than three locks.

You go to a hockey game for the fighting. In the stands. To more...

Two merchants from a small town were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. A large party was thrown, with an abundance of food and drink. When the party ended, they both staggered outside.
As one crossed the street, the other stumbled into a subway entrance.
When the first guy reached the other side of the street, he looked around and caught sight of his friend emerging from the subway stairs. "Where the heck have you been?" slurred the first guy.
"I don't know," the other replied, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"