Subway Jokes / Recent Jokes
Sitting on the subway today, I glanced over at the woman beside me. I noticed that she had a Mensa button clipped on her bag. The button read:
M E N S A K O R E A
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I A R E A M E N S A N
All I could think was "who was the genius that approved that button?"
NYC transit agency is investigating a video posted online that shows a man kissing and snuggling a live chicken aboard a subway. Coincidentally, last week the same video camera caught a man choking his chicken.
I don’t vote. There, I said it. I don’t know the issues. I don’t really understand the definition of Republican or Democrat. I do know that if I look up the word "oxymoron" I’ll see “honest politician.”
I don’t ever get to affect my life by voting. Where’s the vote on lower rent? Where’s the vote on the subway fare decrease? Can we get a politician to give us an audit to the penny as to where all of the money goes from subway fares? How does that money not pay for everything? When do I get to vote on checking the green cards of taxi drivers? Is there a vote on parade and street fair elimination? Is anyone working on more stringent laws against homeless people sleeping or begging or (god forbid) singing on the subway? Can we vote to give Isaiah Thomas and the Knicks the death penalty?
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Dear guy playing electric violin in the Union Square subway station in NYC,
I hate you.
I hate you because the "music" you're playing feels like crossbow bolts being shot into my head at close range.
I hate you because you have a long, frizzy ponytail and black jeans.
I hate you because your sonic assault is bouncing off the tiled walls and low ceiling of the subway station and is making me feel like I'm having a stroke.
I hate you because of that cheesy, "sexy illusionist" face you're making. Seriously, stop arching that eyebrow.
I hate you because "Rock Violin" is not a thing. Plugging it in does not change that.
I hate you because you've managed to gather a small crowd of overweight tourists that I'm forced to walk around.
I hate you because you have a CD of your work for sale in your open electric violin case.
I hate you because it sounds like you're killing a creature that is half cat, half baby.
But most of more...
This subway rider is:
a. wearing an all-leather Islamic veil
b. in a cozy sleeping bag
c. expecting to be arrested soon and wants to be ready for the perp-walk
The subway car was packed beyond capacity. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!""I don't know what you're talking about miss. That's just my pay check in my pocket," replied the guy."Oh really!" she spat. "Then you must really have quite some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half-hour."