Sugar Jokes / Recent Jokes

Mom's Brownies Recipe

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.

Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no, no."

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.

Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.

Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.

Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.

Let cat out of refrigerator.

Pour mixture into well-greased more...

You will need the following:

A cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Try another cup. Turn off the mixer. Break two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain the nuts. Add one tablespoon of sugar or something. more...

Three couples went to a resturant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table.
"Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first gal.
"Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second.
"Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third.

The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption.
Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.
What general direction cattywumpus is.
That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar.
When "by and by" is.
How to handle your "pot likker"
The best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of cold potato salad.
The difference between "purt' near" and "a right far piece"
The differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and trailer trash.
Never to go snipe hunting twice.
Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody! But nobody!

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death''s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite sugar cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered enough strength to get out bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom.

With even greater effort, he forced his boney fingers to grab the handrail and he went down the stairs, one stumbling step at a time.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death''s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, on the kitchen table, spread out in rows upon wax paper, were literally hundreds of his favorite sugar cookies.

Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he lunged toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.

His parched more...

A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said. "Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked. "No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

Line 1. Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not to exceed 1 (one)
pound. (See line 4.)
Line 2. Sugar, light brown or white, unless you or your spouse
had a financial account in a foreign country in 1990, in which case
dark brown sugar must be used. Do not substitute molasses or honey.
Use 1 (one) cup and adjust to taste.
Line 3. Eggs, six or half a dozen, whichever is greater.
Line 4. Semisweet chocolate, 6 oz. Nonfarm families may choose
the optional method of using cocoa powder. If you elect the Cocoa
Method, add 1/2 oz. (One Tablespoon) of butter to each 3
tablespoons of cocoa. Multiply by .9897 per ounce of substitution.
For adjustments to sugar, see pg. 29. Add total of additional
butter to Line 1 (above). Sugar adjustments should be reflected in
final total of Line 2. For additional details on cocoa conversion,
see Form 551.
Line 5a. Flour, white. If you were a federal, state or local
government employee, more...