Supermarket Jokes / Recent Jokes
Regarding the story about the Kraft marshmallow dispenser:
David Letterman does a sketch entitled "Supermarket finds," where his
staff collects supermarket products and makes fun of them. Recently,
he displayed Kraft Marshmallows and their claim about being
"The official marshmallow of the Starship U.S.S. Enterprise.(TM)"
And he then remarked, "Funny, I thought that was William Shatner's job."
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say' Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the cler
A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. "don't worry, ya, " he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping." Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
One of the least appealing aspects of adulthood is having to acknowledge the world for what it is and not turn it into something it should be. Kids don’t see the world for what it is – kids see the world as a huge playground.
Case in point: when I was 10 years old, my friend John and I accompanied John’s mother to the local supermarket. To John’s mother, the supermarket was a place to purchase groceries. For John and little me, it was an amusement park – complete with bumper cars (which the adults would only see as grocery carts) and racing speedways (which the adults call “aisles”).
With John’s mother wandering the aisle in search of whatever, John and I devised a new game. John would pilot a grocery cart and I would ride shotgun on the side of the cart. John would power this vehicle to zoom up and down the speedways (or aisles, if you will) with the idea of trying to dislodge me from my roost on the side of the cart. For a pair of 10 year olds, this more...
Two guys collide in a supermarket. "Sorry about that," the first guy says. "I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't watching where I was going." "I'm looking for my wife, too," the second guy says. "Maybe I can help you," the first guy says. "What does your wife look like?" "Well, she's a tall redhead with big green eyes, long suntanned legs and a bright smile," the second guy says. "What does your wife look like?" "Never mind," says the first guy, "let's look for yours."
*** Things that can and do bother the "normal" person. ***
Having to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thingy in the middle of them.
The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. The same person that gives you a "blank stare" when you look at them.
There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug. Especailly since you don't even have a dog!
There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and
discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
You slice your tongue more...