Surgery Jokes / Recent Jokes

My 71 year old father just had open heart surgery after experiencing a heart attack. After the surgery, the doctor told him that he couldn't have sex for 3 months.
My dad asked, "Do the last two months count?"

You go to him for a separated shoulder, and he suggests you rub a croissant on the affected area three times a day
He tells you that your deodorant is giving you headaches and that you should take fewer showers
Insists on watching Jerry Lewis telethon tapes during open heart surgery
Prescribes "butter, and plenty of it!"
Fills your IV bag with Beaujolais Nouveau
Suggests radical "brie implant"
In the middle of your checkup, lets a German doctor bully his way into being your new primary care physician
Tells you to smoke two packs and call him in the morning
White lab coat embroidered with Pepe LePew holding caduceus symbol
Recommends surgery, you say no way, and he immediately surrenders
Skips out, leaves you to pay the check at a Vietnamese restaurant
Asks, "So what I misdiagnosed you, monsieur? I work for the government and cannot ever be fired. Vive longtemps le mdecine sociale!" (c) Daily Wonk Lists

A friend of mine had bone marrow cancer in his left leg and his oncologist recommended amputating the leg. After getting a confirming second opinion, my friend agrees to surgery.
When he wakes up, he discovers they've taken the wrong leg. He still has to undergo the amputation which the doctor volunteers to do for free.
After the second surgery, my friend sues but in this world where the most money wins, he loses his suit.
The judge ruled he didn't have a leg to stand on.

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.
Bo! Bo! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that... uh... that uh..... thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Rats! There go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hey, the guy's got two of' em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, more...

This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices that his eyes are bulging and his ears are protruding. He becomes very concerned, so he goes to his doctor and asks him what is wrong with him. The doctor told him that he has a rare disease that will require him to take this medication for several months to clear up the disease; however the medication will make his hair fall out permanently.
Several months later the guy's eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding - more so now that his hair is gone, so this time he goes to a different doctor who informs him that he has a prostate problem and that they will have to remove his testicles. The guy has the surgery only to find his eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding.
Determined to find out what is wrong with him, he goes to another doctor who tells him that the nerves in his hands are pinching the nerve endings in his ears and his eyes and the only way to resolve the problem is to have his more...

Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job.
Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks.
However it wasnt his glowing probiscus that he wanted changed. He was proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears which were much more prominent than the ears of the average rain deer, or bear for that matter.
So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the pinna reconstructive surgery procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as. .. New Ears Day.

This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices that his eyes are bulging and his ears are protruding. He becomes very concerned. So he goes to his doctor and asks him what is wrong with him. The doctor told him that he has a rare disease that will require him to take this medication for several months to clear up the disease, however the medication will make his hair fall out permanently. Several months later the guy's eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding - moreso now that his hair is gone. So this time he goes to a different doctor who informs him that he has a prostrate problem and that they will have to remove his testicles. So the guy has the surgery only to find out months later, his eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding. Determined to find out what is wrong with him he goes to another doctor who tells him that the nerves in his hands are pinching the nerve endings in his ears and his eyes and the only way to resolve the problem is to more...