Sword Jokes / Recent Jokes

There is a sword thrower, a guy who pees out of the window, and a lady eating pickles. Well, one day, the sword thrower accidently threw his sword out the window, while a guy was peeing out another window. The sowrd flew by and chopped of his penis. It fell down below, into an open window, where it landed in a pickle jar. The lady eating the pickles, picked up the penis and thought it was a pickle. When she was finished eating the pickled penis, she said, "yummy! What a delicious pickle! That was the best pickle I have ever eaten in my entire life!"

An Emperor advertised for a new Samurai Chief. After several months, only three applied for the job - a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" the Emperor commanded. Stepping forward, the Japanese Samurai opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his sword and SWISH! the fly fell to the floor, divided neatly into two!
"What a feat!" the Emperor said. "Samurai Number Two, show me what you can do."
With a confident smile, the Chinese Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his sword and SWISH! SWISH! the fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!
"Now that is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "Samurai Number Three, how are you going to top that?"
Samurai Number Three quickly stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. Without hesitation, he drew his sword and SWOOOOOSH! flourished it so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. However, the more...

Hey, Princess, you wouldn't happen to know where a lonely knight could scabbard his sword, would you? Been there, slain that. What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this? They don't call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know. When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing they stretched. Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chambers floor. Wench: What's that sound? Knight: That's just the sound of my chain mail drawers expanding. Thou hast hit on me harder than the black plague! Your hovel or mine? Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my long sword in action? Dost thou practice safe hex? Milady, it's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within. I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my heart. You should be glad I'm not a Viking. You would have been ravaged and plundered by now. I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I'm walking on! Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed more...

there are three men in a plane, an australian, a japanense and an american, the plane is rapidly runing out of fuel, the pilot turns on the autopilot and leaves the cockpit too tell the men something, the pilot says
"look guys the plane is running out of fuel, you will need to drop something out the window.
The japanese throws out a samuri sword, the ausralian throws a baby wallaby and the american throws a greande.
The next day, the australian arrives home to his father crying, the man says
"whats the matter dad"
his father replies
"yesterday i found your baby wallaby splattered all over the back yard"
The japanese got home to his father crying aswell so he says
"whats wrong dad" his father replies
"yesterday a sword fell out of the sky and killed your mother"
The american got home to his father laughing his head off so he says
"whats so funny dad" the father replies
"yesterday more...

In the early seventies, Ed Whitchurch ran "his game", and one of the participants was Eric Sorenson. Eric plays something like a computer. When he games he methodically considers each possibility before choosing his preferred option. If given time, he will invariably pick the optimal solution. It has been known to take weeks. He is otherwise, in all respects, a superior gamer.
Eric was playing a Paladin in Ed's game. He was on some lord's lands when the following exchange occurred: ED: You see a well groomed garden. In the middle, on a small hill, you see a gazebo.
ERIC: A gazebo? What color is it?
ED: (Pause) It's white, Eric.
ERIC: How far away is it?
ED: About 50 yards.
ERIC: How big is it?
ED: (Pause) It's about 30 ft across, 15 ft high, with a pointed top.
ERIC: I use my sword to detect good on it.
ED: It's not good, Eric. It's a gazebo.
ERIC: (Pause) I call out to it.
ED: It won't answer. It's a gazebo.
ERIC: (Pause) I more...

"Merlin, Inc. technical support. How can I help you?"
"Yesterday I've bought your sword..."
"Congratulations, sir, you've made the right choice!"
"It doesn't work."
"What does it mean - doesn't work?"
"It doesn't cut the dragon's head."
"Have you read the manual, sir?"
"A noble knight have not to know how to read! But my armour-bearer has read it for me aloud twice."
"Well, sir. Have you taken the sword out of the sheath?"
"Yes."
"Is that really so? Check it again, please."
"I've done it, I say to you!"
Okay, sir. Now check the edge sharpness."
"Ough!"
"You shouldn't do it with your finger, sir."
"What thinger? I've done it with my phongue! I always check a sharp flavour of my dishes like that."
"You see, sir, a sword has a bit different construction than your more...