Sydney Jokes

Here are some of the classic questions that were asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and the witty answers that go with them. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower... Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much beer you've consumed... Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, so you'll need to have started about a year ago to get there in time for this October... Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: And accomplish what? Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us... Q: Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
A: Yes, but only in sporting supply more...

We love Sydney because. ..

You make over $100, 000 per year and still can't afford a house.

You never bother looking at the train timetable because you know the drivers have never seen it.

You order organic fruit and vegies online, but eat out every night anyway.

You spent more money on your coffee machine than on your washing machine.

You spend $400+ per week for your room in an apartment with stunning harbour/beach views and European Appliances; and then spend a total of 40 hours each week there (of which 37 are spent sleeping).

You spend 30 minutes in a traffic jam next to a car with more power to its speakers than its wheels.

You know everyone's e-mail and mobile number but not their last name or home address.

You can roll sushi, make pasta and keep your red curry paste recipe under lock and key... but couldn't roast a chicken to save your life.

Your taxi driver was a micro-surgeon more...

A Texan lands in Sydney for the Olympics, and is picked up by a taxi. After requesting a tour of the city, he starts into a tirade about the small town airport and how in Texas they have larger runways on their ranches...

They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbor bridge, and the man is further unimpressed - "I have a duck pond bigger than that harbor, and an ornamental bridge to span it that makes this look like a toy".

The Sydney-Newcastle expressway also gets his scorn "Is this a road, or a track?"

So when a kangaroo jumped out in front of the cab, causing the sudden and severe application of the brakes, the driver couldn't help himself. ..."Stupid grass hoppers!"

SYDNEY (Sydney Morning Herald, 02-15)
A lawyer charged a woman client $26 (Australian) for opening and reading a Christmas card she had sent him. He billed her an additional $26 for calling and thanking her for sending him the card.
ISTANBUL (Reuter, 02-11)
Turkish thieves stole 210 pairs of shoes from outside the Vali Kamil Acun mosque, as Muslim worshipers were praying inside.
BOGOTA (Reuters, 02-05)
Six family members were stabbed to death by thieves who stole a clay piggy bank containing about $150 in coins.

You know you're in Sydney, Australia, when...
• Your co-worker tells you they have eight body piercings but none are visible.
• You earn over $100,000 and still can't afford a house.
• You never bother looking at the bus timetable because you know the drivers have never seen it.
• You can't remember... is dope illegal?
• You've been to more than one baby shower (wetting the baby's head) that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
• You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
• A great parking space can move you to tears.
• Your child's Year Three teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named Breeze. And, after telling that to a friend, they still need to ask if the teacher is male or female.
• You get used to signs at zebra crossings that say, 'Pedestrians give way to traffic'.
• You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't more...