T-shirts Jokes

A man walks in a T-shirt shop. There are three T-shirts on display.
The 1st has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled, "Got milk."
The 2nd T-shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a
white mustache on it. Below this picture it is titled, "Forgot milk."
The 3rd T-shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache on it, and the title on this shirt reads, "Not milk."

These are phrases found on funny T-shirts:
*(camoflauge) Ha! Now you can't see me!
* He did it ->
*The leprechauns are after my stash.
*I do what the voices tell me to do...
*Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we?
*See no homework, Speak no homework, Hear no homework, DO NO HOMEWORK.
*I bet you were an ugly baby.
*(Picture of Simpsons on it) I see dumb people...
*I didn't do it.
*(Scribbles all over it) Don't drink and draw.
*(Picture of skunk) Silent but deadly...
*He farted ->
*(Picture of gas station) I have gas!
*(Squirrels) Protect your nuts.
*I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?
*Help! I talk too much!
*(Upside down) If you can read this, please send me back to the bar...
*The closest I got to an 86% average in college was my alcohol blood level.
*My parents think I'm in school
*My girlfriend thinks I'm out of town
*FOR SALE
*(Big smilie) I'm no longer a danger to society!

Two priests are vacationing in Hawaii. They don't want to stand out, so they decide to buy casual clothes. They've just hit the beach in loud Hawaiian print T-shirts and sandals when they spot this hot blonde in a tiny bikini walking their way.

As she walks past them, she politely says, "Good afternoon, fathers." Well, the men are amazed, because they can't understand how the woman knew they were priests. They decide to go out and buy even wilder clothes, so they buy tie-died T-shirts, surfer shorts, and dark sunglasses.

The next day, they hit the beach in their wild new clothes, and the same blonde passes them in a string bikini. As she passes,

she says, "How do you do, fathers?"

Well, the two priests are really confused, so they ask the blonde, "Excuse me, ma'am. We're not ashamed of being priests, but how in the world did you know who we were?"

The blonde replies "Why, father, don't you more...

An annotated thermometer
60 Californians put on sweaters
(if they can find one in their wardrobe)
50 Miami residents turn on the heat
Wisconsinites plant gardens
40 You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming
35 Italian cars don't start
32 Water freezes
30 You plan your vacation to Australia
Minnesotans put on T-shirts
Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
Minnesota ice cream sales peak
British cars don't start
25 Boston water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
20 You can hear your breath
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 French cars don't start
You plan a vacation in Mexico
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 Too cold to ski
Snow removal becomes political controversy in Chicago
You more...

Gabriel went to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are causing problems... They're swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, and they are wearing T-shirts instead of their robes; there's barbecue sauce and picante sauce all over everything, especially their T-shirts; their dogs are riding in the chariots and chasing the sheep; they are wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean, and their boots are marking and scuffing up the halls of Wisdom. There are watermelon seeds and tortilla chip crumbs all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing; and they insist on bringing their horses with them." The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all of my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil." So Gabriel calls the Devil who answers the phone and says, Hello---hold on a minute." When he more...