Tearing Jokes

A Man Bought Tickets From The Ticket Win Down Of A Theatre. A Few Minutes Later He Returned And Bought Two More. When, After A Short Interval, He Came Back To Buy Two More Tickets, The Ticket-Seller Opened The Little Door In The Glass And Spoke Up.
“Aren’t You The Same Gentleman Who Just Bought Two Tickets And Two Others Just A Little While Ago? ”
He Asked, Puzzled. “Yes”, Replied The Man Plaintively, ‘But There’s Some Fool At The Gate Who Keeps Tearing Them Up! ’

These stories come under the heading:' 'Doc! I was minding my own business when.........

KENNETT, MO - Paramedics rescued a man who had lodged his penis in his bathroom sink drain. The man had been trying to change a light bulb above the sink when he slipped on the lip and fell. His penis sustained heavy bruising and abrasions and swelled so much that he was unable to remove it from the drain. A neighbor, hearing his shouts, called police. They broke the door down, despite the victim's fevered pleas that he was fine and in no need of assistance. Paramedics arrived within 10 minutes and administered an injection, causing the swelling to drop so that the penis could be removed without damage to it or the sink.

LOS ANGELES, CA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza, was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum.' 'My dog drags the thing all over the house,'' he said later.' 'He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, more...

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell. Once there he meets Satan.
Satan: Well, Bill since you were such an important person on the earth, you get the choose how you spend your miserable eternity here
Bill: Well what are my choices?
They walk down a hot, steamy hallway and Satan open a door. Inside the room is Bill Gates hanging by chains from the ceiling in a vat of fire.
His eternal suffering is to burn and burn and burn.
Bill: Wow! I don't think I like that one very much. What else is there?
Satan closes the door and leads the ex-President to the next. Inside that door Ross Perot is on a rack, eternally being torn to pieces, his flesh tearing and tearing over and over again.
Bill: Ouch! Nope. I'm not real pleased with that one either
Satan: OK. Maybe You;ll like this one over here.
The Lord of Hell opens a third door on the other side of the hall.
Within they see Kenneth Starr chained to a wall. He is naked and receiving oral sex from Monika more...

A rather inebriated fellow on a bus was tearing up a newspaper into tiny pieces and throwing them out the window.
"Excuse me," said the woman sitting next to him, "but would you mind explaining why you're tearing up that paper and throwing the pieces out the window?"
"It scares away the elephants," said the drunk.
"I don't see any elephants," said the woman, smiling.
"Effective isn't it?" said the drunk.

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...