Tech Jokes / Recent Jokes

This call was actually recorded during a session with AOL Tech Support Tech:

Internet Technical Support this is [removed] speaking. May I have your username please?

Female Customer: Yes I want to speak to the person in charge immediately!

Tech: Speaking. What can I do for you?

Female Customer: I want to complain about the pornographic bookmarks your company put in my web browser!

Tech: We didn't put any pornographic bookmarks in your web browser.

Female Customer: Oh yes you did! I'm looking at them right now!

(Tech remembers the Netscape history list and grins to himself)

Tech: Where exactly are these "bookmarks" located?

Female Customer: In Netscape!

Tech: And where exactly in Netscape would that be?

Female: In that little list that comes down when you click the little down arrow!

Tech: The one right above the Net Search more...

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2, 025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly." Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2, 025 pigs?" she asked." Yeth." lisped the farmer. Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

It's thunderstorm season and when the power goes out at one branch office, the uninterruptible power supplies kick in, everything gracefully shuts down, and the technician waits for power to return. And waits. And waits.
"Late evening sees the power restored, and we go about bringing the network back to life," says the tech.
Next morning, the phone rings. It's a very irate corporate administrator wanting to know why we had an unscheduled outage the day before. The tech calmly explain about the storm, which he had no control over.
The Administrator's response? "Next time, put it on the schedule before you have an unexpected outage!"

(This is a bit old, but I've just finally got around to mailing it.)
Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, was quoted in "The Technique,"
Georgia Tech's newspaper, last November (after the computer worm hit the net):
"It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine some
of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very sharp,
probably not someone here on campus."

Subject: Top 12 things you don't want to hear from tech support

12.' Do you have a sledgehammer or brick handy?'

11.' ... that's right, not even MacGyver could fix it.'

10.' So -- what are you wearing?'

9.' Bummer Duuuuuuuude'

8.' Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n.'

7.' Press 1 for Support, Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes, Press 3 if you're with the FTC'

6.' We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.'

5.' I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.'

4.' In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.'

3.' Hold on a second....... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!'

2.' Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics.' and the number 1 thing you don't want to hear from tech support...

1.' Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney.'

REAL STORIES OF THE NON-TECHNICAL
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person whoanswered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?" I worked with an individual who plugged theirpower strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why theircomputer would not turn on."Do you know anythingabout this fax-machine?"
"A little. What'swrong?"
"Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient calledback to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
"How did you load the sheet?"
"It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it byaccident. So I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it." I recently saw a distraught young lady weepingbeside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
"I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now Ican't more...

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Person: "It says,' Hit ENTER when ready'."

Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"