Technology Jokes / Recent Jokes

Subject: If cars were *really* like computers

What if cars really were like computers? You'd have a helpline to assist in solving problems as they came up... Now just imagine if the same people that answer the phones at Microsoft had to answer the General Motors helpline...

HelpLine:' General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?'

Customer:' I can get in through the driver's side door just fine, but I can't open the passenger's side.'

HelpLine:' How did you try to open the passenger's side?'

Customer:' I pulled up on the handle, just like on the other side.'

HelpLine:' People are always making that mistake. You have to push on the passenger's side. Remember, you're always moving the handle toward the left of the car. It's more consistent that way.'

HelpLine:' General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?'

Customer:' How do I turn my windshield wipers on?'

HelpLine:' There's a little button more...

We kid ourselves if we think that the ratio of procedure to data in an active data-base system can be made arbitrarily small or even kept small.

How to Determine if Technology has Taken Over Your Life
1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.
2. You can no longer sit through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house only computers with laser printers.
4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
5. You disdain people who use low Baud rates.
6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers and you butt in to correct him and spend more...

What is the difference between a woman and a computer?

A computer will accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

We have the mini and the micro computer. In what semantic niche would the pico computer fall?

Computer Lesson #1: Nice computers never go down.

Computer Lesson #2: There is no such thing as a nice computer.

It is not the computer's fault that Maxwell's equations are not adequate to design the electric motor.