Tired Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Lorry driver feeling tired after driving for days decides to stop by at a b and b. The woman who owns it says "im sorry, were full, u can bunk up if ya want" The man being so desperate agrees."But i warn u, the guy your sharing with is a heavy snorer"
Morning after.
"The guy didnt disturb u did he?"
"No" replys the guy.
" Before i went to sleep i stripped naked and gave him a big snog on the lips. so he stayed awake all night watching me with a gun!"

A very tired looking man walks in to a bar and orders a drink, but as soon as the bartender puts it down, a little leprechaun, just a foot tall, runs out and kits the glass off the table and runs away. The man does not look suprised. He tells the bartender that he'll pay for the damages and can he have another beer. But as soon as the bartender puts the glass down, the leprechaun runs out again and this time he pisses in it and runs away. Now the bar tender asks "excuse me for prying, but what's going on here with that leprechaun?". The tired man looks up a little and says, "well, I was stranded on a desert island once, and I found a genie in a bottle. He said he would grant me one wish, so without even thinking about it, I asked him for what I'd wanted all my life. A twelve inch prick."

A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight.

Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room.

As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man notices a gorgeous woman sitting in the lobby.

He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby.

After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

Lying to the hotel clerk, he says, "Fancy meeting my' wife' here. I'll need a double room for the night."

The next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000.

"What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here for one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk, "but your' wife' has been here for three weeks!"

Here's why...
I'm tired. For a couple of years I've been blaming it on iron-poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of USA is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting there reading this.
No wonder I'm tired; I'm the only one working.

"I`m hungry."
(I`m hungry.)
"I`m sleepy."
(I`m sleepy.)
"I`m tired."
(I`m tired.)
"Nice dress!"
(Nice cleavage!)
"You look tense, let me give you a massage."
(I want to fondle you.)
"What`s wrong?"
(What meaningless self-inflicted psychological
trauma are you going through now?)
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair."
(I liked it better before.)
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair."
(50 bucks and it still doesn`t look any different!)
(While shopping) "I like that one better."
(Pick any damn dress and let`s go home!)

So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?" more...

A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered "It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD."The drunk promptly fainted. The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."