Tommy Jokes

All the boys and girls in Mrs. Dovers class are drawing. Mrs. Dover came over to Tommy and said, "What picture are you drawing?"
Tommy said, "A cow eating grass."
"Ok, where's the grass?"
"The cow ate it all."
"Ok, where's the cow?"
"It went to go look for more grass."

A stranger was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea.""Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher:

Teacher: "Morning Tommy, and why weren't you at school yesterday?"

Tommy: "Well Miss, my Granddad got burnt."

Teacher:"Oh Dear, he wasn't too badly hurt I hope?"

Tommy: "Oh yes, Miss. They don't mess around at those crematoriums."

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."
Tommy more...

Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how tough their fathers were. "My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said young Harry. "Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick that!" Tommy said. "That's nothing!" declared little Johnny. "My dad hasn't wiped his ass in 10 years... so lick that!"