Tommy Jokes / Recent Jokes
Ten year old Tommy's father asked him if he knew about the birds and the bees.
Tommy burst into tears and shrieked, "No, I don't want to know!"
Confused by his reaction, his dad asked him what was wrong.
"Oh, Dad," Tommy sobbed, "When I was six, you gave me the 'there's no Santa' speech. When I turned seven you gave me the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech, and when I got to be eight it was the 'there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. Now that I'm ten, if you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really have sex, then there's nothing left for me to live for!"
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her
reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
tell me now.Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must
atone.You cannot attend church for more...
A husband with a computer addictionMy Dear Husband,
I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more more...
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.' My name is Billy. What's yours?' asked the first boy.' Tommy,' replied the second.' My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?' asked Billy. Tommy replied,' My Daddy's a lawyer.'' Honest?' asked Billy.' No, just the regular kind', replied Tommy.
Miss Jones asked young Tommy, "If three birds were sitting on a fence, and the farmer shot one of them, how many would be left?"
"Well," said Tommy, "none would be left because the sound of the gun would scare the others away."
"That's not quite the answer I was looking for, since we're doing subtraction today, but I like the way you're thinking," the teacher said.
The next day, Tommy told Miss Jones that he had a question for her. "If three women were walking down the road, one licking an ice cream cone, one sucking an ice cream cone and one biting an ice cream cone, which of the three would be the married woman?"
"I think it would be the one sucking the ice cream cone," Miss Jones replied.
"Sorry, Miss Jones," Tommy said. "It would be the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."