Tommy Jokes / Recent Jokes
Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet. So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor.
After the examination, the doctor said, "His unit is too small. An old wives' tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."
The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.
"Mom!" Tommy yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast."
"I know." said his mother. "The other ten are for your father."
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless mefather for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy? Tommy says "Yes father, it's me."The Priest says "Who was the woman you were with?"Tommy says "I cannot tell you, father, because I don't wantto ruin her reputation."The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"Tommy replies "No, father."The priest asks, "Was it Fiona MacDonald?"Tommy replies "No."The priest asks, "Was it Ann Brown?"Tommy replies "No."The priest asks, "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"Tommy replies "No, father."The priest asks, "Was it Amy Thomas?"Tommy replies "No, father."The priest asks, "Was it little Cathy Morgan?"Tommy replies "NO father! I cannot tell you."The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. more...
Tommy and his dad went upstairs one day to hang a picture while mom made lunch. About twenty minutes after they went upstairs, Tommy came downstairs crying.
"What's wrong?" His mother said.
"Daddy slipped and hit his thumb with the hammer!" said Tommy.
"Well..." Tommy's mother said, "That's nothing to cry about, daddy will be okay. It's actually kind of funny, I don't know why you didn't laugh when it happened."
"That's the problem," said Tommy through his tears, "I did!"
Vicar: Whats that you're doing, Tommy? Tommy: Sticking bangers up frogs arses, Vicar.Vicar: Rectum, Tommy.Tommy: Blows 'em to fucking pieces, Vicar!
Little Tommy is at the zoo on a school visit and he spots a deer. Being a city kid he's never seen one before and so he asks his teacher, "What's that, Miss?"Miss decides to play a word game with him and says, "That's what your Daddy calls Mummy, Tommy."Tommy thinks for a moment and then says, "I'm not stupid Miss, I know that ain't a fucking pig!"
Little Tommy ran to his dad and said "Daddy, daddy! Watch me count."
Tommy holds up his right hand, and, touching each finger, counts to five. "One, two, three, four, five."
"Good!" his dad exclaimed. "Can you count higher?"
Tommy pauses to think for a minute, then stretches his hand higher up in the air, past his head.
"One, two, three, four, five..."
Tommy enters the confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, Tommy ?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda ?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia ?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy ?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to more...