Tommy Jokes / Recent Jokes

Little Tommy was a smart little boy.
Little Tommy was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Tommy, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?"
"None.", replied Tommy. "'cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Tommy then said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Tommy, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.
TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
ALFRED: I get up early.
TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, sir.
TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
STUDENT: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you don't have to keep yours.
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow". That's what I did.
TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you more...

Tommy enters the confessional box and says...
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy ?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia ?"
"I'll never tell." "Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed." "Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you more...

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.

Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it," he admitted.

The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should to and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.

Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher, "I can't find it."

Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So, Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at more...

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.
After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying, Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down for dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.
This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his more...

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless mefather for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy? Tommy says "Yes father, it's me."The Priest says "Who was the woman you were with?"Tommy says "I cannot tell you, father, because I don't wantto ruin her reputation."The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"Tommy replies "No, father."The priest asks, "Was it Fiona MacDonald?"Tommy replies "No."The priest asks, "Was it Ann Brown?"Tommy replies "No."The priest asks, "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"Tommy replies "No, father."The priest asks, "Was it Amy Thomas?"Tommy replies "No, father."The priest asks, "Was it little Cathy Morgan?"Tommy replies "NO father! I cannot tell you."The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. more...

Little Tommy was sitting on a park bench, munching away on one candy bar after another. After the fifth one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Young man, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It'll rot your teeth, give you acne and make you fat."
Little Tommy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 105 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat five candy bars at a time?"
Little Tommy replied, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"