Tommy Jokes / Recent Jokes
Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"...
"What have you done Tommy O'Connor" said the Priest. "I had sex with a girl"
"Who was it Tommy?" "I cannot tell you Father, please forgive me for my sin."
"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?" "No Father, please forgive me for my sin."
"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?" "No Father, I cannot tell you, please forgive me."
"Well then, was it Sarah Martha O'Keefe?" "No Father, I cannot tell you who it was." "Okay Tommy, go say 5 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers and you will be forgiven."
So Tommy walked out to the pew where his friend Joseph was waiting... "What did you get?" asked Joseph. "Well, I got 5 Hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads!"
Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"... "What have you done Tommy O'Connor" said the Priest. "I had sex with a girl""Who was it Tommy?" "I cannot tell you Father, please forgive me for my sin.""Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?" "No Father, please forgive me for my sin.""Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?" "No Father, I cannot tell you, please forgive me.""Well then, was it Sarah Martha O'Keefe?" "No Father, I cannot tell you who it was." "Okay Tommy, go say 5 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers and you will be forgiven."So Tommy walked out to the pew where his friend Joseph was waiting... "What did you get?" asked Joseph. "Well, I got 5 Hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads!"
Vicar: Whats that you're doing, Tommy? Tommy: Sticking bangers up frogs arses, Vicar. Vicar: Rectum, Tommy. Tommy: Blows' em to fucking pieces, Vicar!
Little Tommy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person."Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."So Little Tommy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"
Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
"What have you done Tommy O'Connor?"
"I had sex with a girl."
"Who was it, Tommy?"
"I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin."
"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?"
"No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was."
"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?"
"No father, please forgive me for my sin."
"Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O'Keefe."
"No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was."
"Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our Fathers and you will be abolished of your sin."
So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting. "What did ya get?" asked Joseph.
"Well I got 5 hail Mary's, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads."
Little Tommy's parents had tried everything to help his math grade:
tutors, flash cards, "Hooked on Math," special learning centers,
everything. Finally, they enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
The very first day, he came home with a very serious look on his face,
went straight to his room, and started studying. His mother was
amazed. Books and paper were spread out everywhere and Little Tommy
was hard at work. As soon as dinner was through, he marched right back
up to his room without a word and studied some more.
This went on for weeks until Little Tommy proudly brought home his
report card and showed it to his parents: An A in Math!
"Tommy! This is great! I'm so proud of you! Son, what was it? What
helped motivate you? Was it the nuns?"
Little Tommy shook his head.
"Well, then, was it the books? The discipline? The structure? The
uniforms? What?"
Little Tommy looked at her and said, more...
Tommy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Tommy.
Six months later the doctor met Tommy on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"