Trees Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two tall trees, a beech and a birch, are side by side in the woods. One day they notice that a sapling is growing between them and each tree swears that it is not their son. The birch insists it's a son-of-a-beech and the beech insists it's a son-of-a-birch.
Suddenly, a woodpecker lands on the sapling and they decide to enlist his help. "Woodpecker," one of the grown trees says, "you are a tree expert. Is that sapling a son-of-a-beech or a son-of-a-birch?"
The woodpecker checks the sapling out and replies, "Neither. That happens to be best piece of ash I have ever had my pecker in."

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says it cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!"

A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black."
A second little boy says, "Trees are definitely green."
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants!"

A man walks into confessional and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned..." The priest replies, "What is it that brings you here?" "Well father, I used the F-word over the weekend." "Oh is that all? Say five Hail Mary's and may the Lord be with you." The man replies, "but I really need to talk about it." "Let's have it then," the priest says as he leans back on the hard wooden bench. You see Father, "I was playing golf this weekend and on the first tee, I was lining up my drive and proceeded to hit a horrendous slice into the trees." "And that's when you cursed aloud?" the Father queried. "No, not yet. As luck would have it, I found my ball and had a clear shot to the green from a nice lie; when all of a sudden, a squirrel scampered out of some bushes, picked up my ball by its teeth and darted up a tree." "That must have been when you cursed?"
"No, because just as the more...

This (Blonde) fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.
The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of- the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.
So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut more...

After big tragedies the net often swims with humor about the people and event involved. Some people think this is a healing process, others find it in bad taste.

WARNING: DO NOT READ If think you might be offended by Sonny Bono death jokes.

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What do Cher and a 50 year old Redwood have in common?
They both got nailed by Sonny Bono. .

What's the difference between Al Gore and Sonny Bono?
One's a tree-hugging stiff...
and the other's a tree-hugging stiff.

That makes it...
TREES. ........ 2
Celebrites. ... 0

Death by snow:
Michael Kennedy,
Sonny Bono,
Chris Farley

What was the most surprising thing about the discovery of Sonny's body?
That he was recognized.

Why did Sonny die in a ski accident?
After being a mayor and a congressman, he wanted to be a Kennedy.

Police reported it was a quick more...

There are all kinds of dress codes and laws on a golf course, but more importantly, there are laws of life that you will adhere to if you play the game.

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have inner peace knowing that a shittier one is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If more...