Turkey Jokes / Recent Jokes

Bush "Look Turkey, I pardoned you. Now get out of here before Cheney shows up."

One Thanksgiving a friend and I were walking down a main street in Albany when a man comes up to me and gives me a turkey and says, "Happy Thanksgiving!" Without hesitation my freind knocks him out. I asked my friend why he punched the nice man. My friend said, ''He gave you the bird!"

It is Thanksgiving Day and a family is preparing dinner awaiting the arrival of the children's grandparents. Thomas, who is four is running around looking for is new pair of grey socks. He ventures up to the washroom where his mother is putting makeup on. Not realizing the boy is there she yells "shit" when she accidently gets makeup in her eyes. Never hearing the word before, the boy asks her, "Mommie, what does shit mean?"
The mother quickly replies, "Shit is just another word for makeup dear."
Thomas then asks his mom if she knows where his socks are and she tells him to go downstairs and ask his father.
The boy's father is stuffing the turkey when he cuts his finger by mistake. He says "fuck." The boy asks him if he's seen his socks and the father tells him to go look in his sister's room. Before the boy leaves he asks his father what fuck means and the father says "stuff". "Like stuffing a more...

Please circle the letter that best describes your response.
1. When dinner is served, what do you say?
A. Is the turkey done? How are the mashed potatoes? Could I
make some more gravy?
B. I get first pick! I paid for that turkey.
C. Who needs their wine topped off?
D. I want to open presents first.
E. Please pass the salad, and no, I’m not dating anybody.
F. Why is everybody here? It’s not my birthday, is it?
G. Are you going to finish that? I’ll be glad to finish
that for you.
2. When opening gifts, what do you say?
A. I’m going to save this pretty wrapping paper.
B. I paid $57. 95 for that and he’s playing with the box!
Play with the toy!!
C. I don’t need another 12-step book.
D. This stinks! I wanted a pokeasurusmon game.
E. Oh, great. Another tablecloth. I can use this while
eating take-out every night.
F. This is a wonderful hat. I can keep my government
secrets in more...

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smells would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.

Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural function and then would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out." That is until one more...

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.Moral of the story: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Number One A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson Number Two A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was more...