University Jokes / Recent Jokes

Four guys, one each from Harvard, Yale, MIT University and Udurawana from Sri Lanka University were to be interviewed for a prestigious job.
One common question was asked to all of them.
INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?
YALE Guy: It is Light, nothing can travel faster than Light.
HARVARD Guy: It's the Thought; because thought is so fast it comes instantly in your mind.
MIT Guy: Its Blink, you can blink and it's hard to realize you blinked
Udurawana: Its Loose Motion
INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Udurawana's reply) "WHY"?
Udurawana: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it was over! !

Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.1. Combatting Stupidity2. You Too Can Do Housework3. Resistance to Beer4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence13. You, The Weaker Sex14. Reasons To Give Flowers15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without more...

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving."

New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."

Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"

New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning."

Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"

New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."

Neighbor 1: "That is right."

New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, Leads me to deduce that you have a family."

Neighbor 1: "Right again."

New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife."

Neighbor 1: "Correct"

New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are more...

Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms-so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on Monday, they decided to go to the Uuniversity of Virginina to party with some friends.
They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virgina for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare. They couldn't fix it for a long time and were late getting more...

A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening."I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."

These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1, 000 or 1, 500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the' Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up more...

In each of these examples, the actual name of the college is written first. Then, after each, spoofs are written about each college name.

Auburn University.
Brown University.
Chrome Yellow University.
Neon Pink University.

Northern Illinois University.
Southern Illinois University.
Eastern Illinois University.
Western Illinois University.
Northeastern Illinois University.
Northwestern Illinois University.
Southeastern Illinois University.
Southwestern Illinois University.
North-by-Northwestern Illinois University.

Yale University.
Cole University.
Weiser University.
Kwikset University.

Harvey Mudd College.
Roger Mudd College.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd College.
My Name Is Mudd College.

King`s College.
Queen`s College.
Jack`s College (formerly Knave`s College).
Ten`s College.
Ace`s College.

Texas A I University.
Texas more...