Valentines Day Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
2. Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the label.
3. Any video starring Sylvester Stallone or Jim Carrey.
4. Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.
5. Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
6. A gift certificate.
7. Cash.
8. Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
9. An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"

Top economist Valentine's Day cards
4. You raise my interest rate thirty basis points without a corresponding dropoff in consumer enthusiasm.
3. Let's raise housing starts together.
2. You stoke the animal spirits of my market.
1. Despite your decade of inflation, I still love you.

I saw a woman wearing a t-shirt that said "BUCK FUSH". I agree, but...
Have some guts and print what you mean, you mucking foron.
I called her a cupid stunt, but I don't know if she got it.

A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day! What do you think it means?"
With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."
That evening, the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled, "The Meaning of Dreams."

The folks at American Greetings have compiled a list of lines to use when signing you valentine... depending on your personality:
Bold - face it, you want me
Clever - IOUXOXO
Cosmic - Didn't we know each other in another time and place?
Dreamy - I never believed in love at first sight until you
Enchantress - A valentine spell has been cast on you!
Femme Fatale - You cannot escape. I have ways to make you mine.
Athletic - How about a little one-on-one?
Musical - Always a love song in my heart for you.
No-nonsense - What are you waiting for?
Old fashioned - My mother warned me about guys/girls like you.
Sarcastic - Hey! I signed the card. What else do you want?
Scientific - The chemistry between us is definitely affirmative.
Self-assured - Be my valentine. "NO" is not an option.
Silly - You're hotter than a jalapeno sandwich!
Wild Child - You are twisted and slightly dangerous. I like that in a person.
Worldly - more...

Few things piss me off more than being forced to sit through some whiny-sounding crybaby shitbag from the suburbs with a moth-eaten thrift store wardrobe who knows a few chords on a guitar and thinks his histrionic emotions are important and relevant enough to occupy 45 minutes of stage time.
The song subjects never change, do they? It's always the same shit, the same re-hashed, contrived, stale tripe about climbing metaphorical mountains, chasing that elusive star in the sky and hoping to find that one true love that God placed in the universe especially for you. At least once in every song, make sure to rhyme the following word combinations - Why/Try, Love/Above, Star/Are, and You/True. Throw in a couple bridges with three straight minutes of drawn-out "Ooooohs" and "Ahhhhhhs" and "Oh yeahs", another two minutes of pointless masturbatory guitar-wanking filler, and make sure to close your eyes and tilt your head back in mid-song, as if you're somehow more...

Bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day. That vacuum cleaner should be working in no time.