Wanting Jokes / Recent Jokes
An 85 year old man, wanting some action, went downtown with the hopes of picking up a prostitute. He noticed one in particular that looked good to him, so he began to flirt with her.
After a while of his flirting, the hooker began to get annoyed and said, "Take a hike old man. You're ruining my business. Get lost!"
"I sure would like to get some action tonight," the old man said.
"You must be kidding! You're way too old! You're all finished," she said.
"What did you say?" asked the old man, cupping his hand to his ear.
"You heard me, old man. You're all finished," the hooker replied.
"Oh, ok," the old man said, "how much do I owe you?"
Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.
A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these' Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another' Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum. The Aussie bloke can't handle this, more...
A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is$10,000." the clerk said. "Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?" "This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote." "And the other?" said the customer. "This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one inthe back room for $30,000." "Holy moly! What does that one do?" "Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."
A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready - all dolled up, cat put out, etc.
The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of their home, the cat shoots back into the house.
Not wanting their often rowdy cat to have free run of the house while they were out, the husband went back upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab, and said, "Sorry I took so long. Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
IN PRISON... You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK..... You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. IN PRISON... You get three meals a day. AT WORK..... You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON... You get time off for good behavior. AT WORK..... You get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON... A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK..... You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. IN PRISON... You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK..... You get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON... You get your own toilet. AT WORK..... You have to share. IN PRISON... They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK..... You cannot even speak to your family and friends. IN PRISON... All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK..... You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for more...
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle. In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one. In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained. In prison you get your own room. At work you have to share. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they more...