Warning Jokes / Recent Jokes

The warning
David, a senior citizen, was driving down the M25 towards Edgware, when his mobile phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife`s voice urgently warning him, "David, I just heard on the news that there`s a car going the wrong way down the M25. So please be careful!"
"Hell," said David, "It`s not just one...there are dozens of them!"

10. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.
9. We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
8. The U. S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they run very slowly.
7. The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single ‘General Car Fault’ warning light.
6. Sun MotorSystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable and five times as fast, but would run on only 5% of the roads.
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT - but then you would have to buy ten more seats and a new engine.
3. Occasionally, your car would die for NO apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.
2. Every time the lines of the road were repainted, you would have to buy a more...

WARNING

Don't go to the bathroom on November 8th. CIA intelligence reports that a major plot is planned for that day. Anyone who goes #2 on the 28th will be bitten on the ass by an alligator. Reports indicate that organized groups of alligators are planning to rise up into unsuspecting American's toilet bowls and bite them when they are doing their dirty business.

I usually don't send emails like this, but I got this information from a reliable source. It came from a friend of a friend whose cousin is dating this girl whose brother knows this guy whose wife knows this lady whose husband buys hotdogs from this guy who knows a shoeshine guy who shines the shoes of a mailroom worker who has a friend who's drug dealer sells drugs to another mailroom worker who works in the CIA building. He apparently overheard two guys talking in the bathroom about alligators and came to the conclusion that we are going to be attacked.

ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat more...

On a hairdryer:
'Do not use while sleeping.'
On a bag of chips:
'You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.'
On a bar of soap:
'Directions: use like regular soap.'
On some frozen dinners:
'Serving suggestion: defrost.'
On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
'Fits one head.'
On packaged Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
'Do not turn upside down.'
On packaged Bread Pudding:
'Product will be hot after heating.'
On packaging for an iron:
'Do not iron clothes on body.'
On children's cough medicine:
'Do not drive car or operate machinery.'
On sleep aid:
'Warning: may cause drowsiness.'
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
'For indoor or outdoor use only.'
On peanuts:
'Warning: contains nuts.'
On a packet of nuts:
'Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.'
On a Swedish chainsaw:
'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.'
On more...

One day a priest and a nun went golfing. The first hole the priest missed an extremely easy put. He shouted, "Damn, missed again." The nun, shocked, warned him "God will get you for that." The next hole the same thing occurred. After the priest screamed "Damn It! Missed again" the nun repeated her warning "God will get you for that!"On the third hole, the priest again missed, and cursed, but before the nun could repeat her warning, A bolt of lightning came down from the heavens and struck the nun dead. A deep voice from the clouds boomed out "Damn It! Missed again!".

These are actual instruction labels on
consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's' just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the more...