Whisky Jokes / Recent Jokes

The whisky story
An.
Old Smugglertold
Sir Williamthat he saw
Paul Jonestake
Lord Galvertsdaughter
Queen Annsout riding on his
White Horsedown to
Royal Castlenear
House of Lordsand for a
Silver Dollarhe laid her on the
Green Garpetwith her
Bottom Upand tickled her
Old Drumwith
Three Feathersand took out his
Johnny Walkerwhich was hard as a
Canadian Cluband put it in her
Red Hackleand gave her a shot of
Cream of Kentuckywhich started
Wilkin

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass".

Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy bastard!"

A chap is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
One day a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba suit arrives at the
island. She comes up to the chap and she says, "How long has it been since you
had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he answers.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out
a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that
good!"
Then she asks, "How long has it been since you had a whisky?
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a bottle
of malt whisky and gives it to him.
He takes a long swallow and says, "Wow, that is fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet
suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some more...

This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you're at it, have one yourself."
"Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.
Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else."
The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"
The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.
About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends."
"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marvelling at the guy's nerve.
"Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you've more...

This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you`re at it, have one yourself." "Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks. Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else." The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don`t you think you should pay me for that last round first?" The guy slurs, "I can`t. I don`t have any money." With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar. About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends." "I suppose you`ll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marvelling at the guy`s nerve. "Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you`ve had a drink!"

What's the difference between a man and a condom?
Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive.
What do UFOs and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but you never see any for yourself.
Why is sex like a game of cards?
Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
What's the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky?
Whisky improves with age.
Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it is unused.
What do you call a man who has suddenly lost 98 percent of his brain?
Divorced.
Did you hear about the stupid man who wanted to be a chef?
He thought coq au vin was sex in the back of a lorry.
Why don't women like basketball players as lovers?
Because they always dribble before they shoot.
Did you hear about the man who used to complain about the decorating while having sex?
He was destined to a life of DIY.
What are the three types of men?
The more...

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off aconsiderable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.
As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.
Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.
Several minutes later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt... and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several more...