Winner Jokes / Recent Jokes

From The Guardian weekly, January 9 1994
David Rowan presents the Excessively Distorted Language Awards for 1993
There is Usually a word for it
Camille Paglia Award for Verbal Pomposity
To Camille Paglia whose answering machine message goes like this: "You have reached the voicemail line of Professor Camille Paglia. Due to her pressing obligations as a teacher and scholar, Professor Paglia cannot personally return calls. Do not send faxes: Professor Paglia does not accept them. All packages are opened and inspected by the staff. Unsolicited materials without return postage may be automatically discarded. Urgent messges may be left on the tape to be reviewed by the staff. If you do not receive a reply to your letter or call, please assume that Profesor Paglia is not interested in your proposal..."
Native Californian Political Correctness Award
RUNNER UP: Santa Cruz city council, which debated a motion to outlaw "lookism", the practice of more...

1) Declaring the winner: If Pakistan bats first and scores x runs then
the target for India will be revised to x/2. They need to score (x/2)+1
runs to be declared winner. If India bats first then the number of overs
for Pakistan will be reduced to 25. Even after these modifications India
contrive to lose, they will be awarded psychological victory.
2) Fielding restrictions: When India is fielding, as soon as any fielder
touches the ball, it will be deemed as dead ball and Pakistan batsmen
will only be allowed to complete that run. This modification is being
done to eliminate time being wasted for overthrows etc.
3) By popular demand from Indian players, a few additional coaches have
been included in the touring party with immediate effect. They are,
Batting coach: Ravi Shastri
Bowling Coach(with experience in Sharjah conditions): Chetan
Sharma
Fielding Coach: Ravi Shastri(Dual responsibility)
TV Commercials more...

Udurawana -why are all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Udurawana - If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?
-One day Udurawana visited a museum with a foreign visitor. The visitor saw a big skull and asked what that was.
Udurawana said "that was the skull of King Sri Wickrama Rajasinghe".
After a few miniutes, the visitor saw another small skull of a monkey and asked udurawana what that was.
Udurawana said " that is when the king was young".
One morning, Mrs. Udurawana caught her husband searching high and low all around his living room.
Mrs. Udurawana:"What are you searching for?"
Mr. Udurawana: "Hidden camaras!"
Mrs. Udurawana: "And what makes you think that there are hidden camaras here?"
Mr. Udurawana: "That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Every few minutes he keeps saying, "You are watching more...

Good News To All Smokers
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You can also have a chance to win consolation prizes such as: Tartar Deposits, Bad Breath, Stained Teeth, Appetite Loss, and Swelled Gums.
Join now!!! Remember that the more sticks you puff, the more chances of easy winning. Fabulous prizes await you!!! You can also be a lucky winner! Please claim your prizes at the nearest funeral parlor.
This promo is a limited offer... See your more...

Good News To All SmokersThe International Tabacco Syndicate, on its Golden Anniversary, wishes to invite Smokers of all ages to join in its biggest Anniversary Sweepstakes Draw, where every smoker is a sure winner! All smokers have the chance of winning the following major prizes.Grand Prizes: A Brand New Cancer, Bronchial Infection, Goiter, Sinusitis, Migraine, Cerebral Tumor, Paralysis, Hypertension, and AsthmaSecond Prizes: Special Hepatitis, Meningitis, BronchitisThird Prizes: Colored TB, Emphysema, Arteriosclerosis, Gingivitis, Rheumatism, Heart Disease, and Lung Cancer.You can also have a chance to win consolation prizes such as: Tartar Deposits, Bad Breath, Stained Teeth, Appetite Loss, and Swelled Gums.Join now!!! Remember that the more sticks you puff, the more chances of easy winning. Fabulous prizes await you!!! You can also be a lucky winner! Please claim your prizes at the nearest funeral parlor.This promo is a limited offer... See your X-Ray result for more details!!!

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a dustbin. Psychiatrist: Don’t talk such rubbish!
Be A Smoker!
Good News To All Smokers
The International Tabacco Syndicate, on its Golden Anniversary, wishes to invite Smokers of all ages to join in its biggest Anniversary Sweepstakes Draw, where every smoker is a sure winner! All smokers have the chance of winning the following major prizes.
Grand Prizes: A Brand New Cancer, Bronchial Infection, Goiter, Sinusitis, Migraine, Cerebral Tumor, Paralysis, Hypertension, and Asthma
Second Prizes: Special Hepatitis, Meningitis, Bronchitis
Third Prizes: Colored TB, Emphysema, Arteriosclerosis, Gingivitis, Rheumatism, Heart Disease, and Lung Cancer.
You can also have a chance to win consolation prizes such as: Tartar Deposits, Bad Breath, Stained Teeth, Appetite Loss, and Swelled Gums.
Join now!!! Remember that the more sticks you puff, the more chances of easy winning. Fabulous prizes await you!!! You can also more...

Once again it is time to start thinking about casting your vote for the 1998
Darwin Award winner! As you may already know, the Darwin Awards
are for those nominees who contribute to the gene pool by dying in
spectacularly stupid ways before they breed (thankfully). The 1998 nominees
are:

NOMINEE No. 1 [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using
a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield,
accidentally
shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of
Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police
described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a
highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source
of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and
the other man found Burns "wrapped in more...